I heard a discussion today that really confused me. There is a new commercial out that calls on men to reject toxic masculinity and be a little more thoughtful in how they approach certain things in life. I found it sweet that during the commercial guys call out other guys for bad behavior. I like that it shows men playing with their children, empowering their little girls, being what I would consider human and yes, manly.
Being a woman, maybe I am not allowed to define manly. As with most things, what is manly to me, might not be to the next person. Guys trying to be manly are probably showing off to other guys rather than trying to impress us women, just as we women tend to dress for each other and not to impress men. Maybe that means I am not qualified to say what is manly.
The discussion I heard was puzzling in that some of the women involved thought the commercial was wrong, because they aren’t interesting in “wimpy” men who take care of kids or stand up for women. They like tough guys.
My question is first, can a guy not be both? Thoughtful, understanding, helpful, loving and still be tough? Women can be all of those things, why can’t guys?
In the play I just directed, the main character is trying to find himself after retirement. He decides that a motorcycle is the answer and in one line realizes he needs “big, manly motorcycle boots!” He wife tells him that he doesn’t need boots to be manly.
What does a guy need to be manly? And is being manly even something to strive for?
Now I know that men are different from women. I do think most of it is the way they are raised and not an inborn trait that makes them the way so many are. I know when I gave birth to a son, I told anyone who would listen that I wanted to teach him to be self sufficient and I wanted to teach him to be not just a man, but a hu-man.
I told him the other day to remember to be a gentleman in an upcoming situation, forgetting he was about to be 32 years old and not 2. He looked at me and said he tried to be a gentleman in every situation, with everyone he met. That way it was a habit and he didn’t have to even think about it. That is the human I raised him to be.
But does being a gentleman in every situation, being kind to children, empowering to women, defenders of the weak and an advocate for the downtrodden make you less manly?
In my eyes it makes you more manly. In my eyes it makes you strong and a defender. Maybe not with a weapon or with your fists, but it means that you are willing to stand up to your own kind and defend those who maybe can not defend themselves.
The men that I trust the most are not the ones with the big muscles or the brazen personalities. They are the ones who listen to me, who empathize with others, are kind and generous. They are the ones who will sit with a special needs kid and will hug their friends when they have been apart for awhile. They are the kind who will stand up for what they believe in, yet know that compromise can be a good thing at times. They are the guys who are proud of a wife who succeeds and who don’t let their ego make every decision.
To be honest, the manly guys I know are both straight and gay, tall and short, muscle bound and slight. They are military and ministers, artists and contractors, musicians and scholars. They are all secure enough to not have to prove how manly they are by harassing women or yelling profanities. They are manly enough to support a woman’s dreams and let her shine when it is her time. They are sure enough about who they are to stoop to help others and thoughtful enough to not make those they help feel less than.
I know a lot of really manly men, although maybe they don’t see themselves that way. Maybe the world doesn’t see them that way. Maybe there are even some women who don’t see them that way. And that is a shame.
