I have to say I have been feeling a little bit odd lately. I have to assume it is a combination of grief, confusion about the future and gratitude.
First let me say how grateful I am to the theatre community. You have been so kind and gracious in your comments to me about my hiatus from writing reviews. I was unsure what you guys would say, since I have never been 100% sure about how you all felt about reviews in general. I should have known that the creative people who make up the theatre family would understand wanting to step back from something that had become uninspiring to find that spark of inspiration again. Your kind words of support and understanding have meant a lot to me.
When I was a youngster I was very fortunate to get to see a lot of our amazing country. Between the long, rustic summer vacations of my childhood to the more civilized trips of my adulthood, I have been in every one of the 50 states. I have also ridden in a car- a lot! I have ridden all the way from Birmingham, AL to Nova Scotia and from Birmingham to Acapulco among other long rides. I would imagine that there are very few people that can say that!
My dad drug us to zoos, national parks and forests, and campgrounds across this great nation and as a young preteen through my teenage years I thought I was being punished and tortured. It was bad enough that I did not live in a neighborhood, but rather in the middle of the Birmingham Zoo. But then the moment school let out for the summer, I was pulled away from my friends to parts unknown.
I figure one day soon that I will write a book about my adventures on these trips (and living in the zoo.) I have realized as I have grown up that I was not being punished, but rather I was very blessed to have the wild experiences I had catching alligators in the swamps of Alabama, and hiking in the mountains of Montana to name a few.
My poor mother, who was not an outdoorsy type, made the best of these trips. We stayed in tents and homemade campers over the course of these years and she adapted to cooking and living in these primitive conditions. She never really liked it or got used to it, but she was from an era where you just went along with what your husband planned.
I have realized since my mom died that I didn’t know a lot of things about her. I don’t know what her favorite color was or what she liked or didn’t like to eat. She adapted to life so much that we did have some deep conversations where she realized she kind of lost herself in the process. I am not sure she knew what she liked sometimes.
One thing my mom always loved was horses. She liked to be around them and thought they were beautiful. She never owned a horse and having grown up a “city girl” I have no idea why she felt so drawn to horses. If we were on one of these trips and there was any place to rent horses to ride, we did it.
One thing about horses that are used for carrying various riders of different sizes and skill sets is that they are trained to always go back to the barn whenever they think they have lost their rider. That way if a rider falls off, the horse will run back to the safety of the barn and the staff will know that something has happened.
As a small child, my brother was often put on a horse that within a few minutes into the ride didn’t even realize he had a passenger and the horse would head back to the barn with my brother still sitting on his back. I always found that hilarious because it was my little brother and you just laugh at things that happen to them when you are a kid! I also found it fascinating that the horse was so powerful it couldn’t even feel my brother on his strong back, and that the horse knew right where to go in case of emergency.
I have been feeling kind of like one of those horses lately. Every time I have left my house I have just wanted to head back. I feel safe at home and I just want to be where I feel safe, accepted and happy. Too often things out in the real world make me sad, seem dangerous or are just not where I want to be. For weeks I felt that pull “back to the barn” and got back home as soon as possible whenever I ventured out.
I am getting better though. A quick “business” trip with Tim and getting out to work with the kids at the workshop I ‘m leading has made me begin to feel more like the person I used to be. I guess I’ll always feel like I want to be home where I can laugh and cry and act like myself, away from judgement. I guess that is one thing I inherited from my mom, the urge to hide away sometimes. She got where she wanted that all of the time for the last few years and I truly believe that contributed to her decline.
I am working to enjoy my time at home, but also to be out in the world, exploring and learning and enjoying all that there is outside of my house. Being at the theatre, church, a restaurant, the park is what feeds our soul. Seeing God’s world and His people can be scary, but it is also wonderful. It keeps us really living.
I guess I’ll always have that pull back to the safety of the barn, but there are too many wonderful things out in the world; great people, beautiful countryside and plenty of adventures yet to come. I know that the barn is always here when I feel like life is too much, but what a waste not to experience the world while we are still in it.
