In the midst of everyone writing about the horrible mess the world seems to be in right now, I don’t seem to be able to put two words together coherently. For all of my “love of writing” and my need to share and express myself, I am at a total loss for words.
Every thing I see and read makes my heart break, whether I agree with it or it makes me furious. Every time I get ready to share a post I like, I just can’t. There is too much spinning in my head.
I have to think that this writer’s block will pass. That I will find the words to write how much I scream at the TV every time that poor excuse for a president speaks. That I won’t feel so overwhelmed and helpless that I can’t seem to express… well, anything. That I won’t go to lunch with friends and wonder how they really feel about issues because no one wants to talk. Or my friends who do talk cause me to leave our lunches fearful and sad.
But I am not so sure it can or should “pass.” While I want to know what to say to make a difference and I want things to be better, I fear that things will get much worse before they can get better.
Looking ahead, something I have always tended to do with hope and excitement, seems bleak somehow. I know I should lean on God and trust the majority of people who are more clear thinking and sane than the clods in office, but somehow I can’t see major changes without major trouble first. I don’t see everyone suddenly coming to a consensus to be calm, rational and just.
So I don’t know what to say. I am trying to decide what to do. I am reading and listening and hoping for guidance, from people I trust and especially from God.
In the meantime, I am not sure that I can write. Writing is what gets me through the bad times, but right now it almost feels unnatural to me. I don’t like that feeling. I need to be able to get my feelings out now more than ever. Just not sure I can.
A year ago, I was blindsided when someone was awful to me and said things that were untrue about me. I tried to take the high road and I didn’t fight back. After a whole year I am not so sure that I did the right thing. I want to take the insults and falsehoods hurled at me and refute each charge one by one.
I thought that time would make it all go away. Injustice and outrage don’t just “go away” I am finding. And it seems too little. too late to try and defend myself now. All I can do is learn from my mistake and not let it happen again. I have to learn that sometimes you have to defend yourself. Sometimes you have to stand up for what you know and feel, you have to stand up for what is right and for others.
In the picture I used for this post, Jesus is talking to the women. When I went to read the scripture in the brochure that accompanies this piece, it is not really reassuring. As I think of how Mary must have felt watching her child be tortured (I can’t), when I think of how much trust Jesus put in women and how they (we) just stood by with the others as he died, I feel again that there is something more I am supposed to be doing.
Even writing this post doesn’t feel good. Have I used the wrong words? Who will I offend? Do I care? Have I said too much? Have I said enough? Will there be ramifications? Should I just delete the whole thing?
Do I go to only writing recipes and decorating tips? Show pictures of pretty flowers and cupcakes? Do I pretend all is right in the world?
Once, years ago when I was troubled about something, someone I know suggested that I paint a pretty picture and put it on the fridge and just focus on that, ignoring any ugliness that might be outside of the front door. At the time I thought that person was naive and a little nuts. I still do.
I can not just ignore the trouble in the world and I have to say I don’t think much of someone who can. And again, that is me being judgmental, I guess. I give up. There is no winning right now!
So I am done for awhile.