I know I have told you guys many times how hard I can be on myself. I sometimes try to blame it on my father who was very tough on me and I say I am just taking up where he left off. Sometimes I think it is just in my DNA to be so unforgiving of myself. Most of the time I just don’t know. But I am. I can do something that no one else thinks anything of, but I can not get past it. Writing helps. I apologize, I pray for forgiveness (even though sometimes I imagine even God saying to himself, “Really? You are upset and bothering me about THAT?”) and yet I can not forgive myself.
You also know that I am honest. I try really hard to always be honest. If I tell you something it is the truth. I try not to be mean but I also don’t sugar coat things which I think sometimes makes me seem mean to the people closest to me. I used to have a friend who would tell me she couldn’t “afford” to tell her daughter this or that truthfully. I never really understood because the person I am the most honest with is my child. I can’t “afford” not to be!! He counts on me to shoot it to him straight, to let him know what I honestly think when he asks me about something. He knows that when I tell him something it is exactly how I feel.
Which brings me to this weekend. Jon’s best friend for almost his whole life got married. My husband was asked to do the sound for the wedding and be the DJ for the reception. My son Jon was in the wedding and also helps my husband with the sound. The downfall was, this was an outdoor wedding. It was by a river and there was no power down on the peninsula where the ceremony would occur. So after a lovely evening at the rehearsal dinner on Friday, we were back there on Saturday morning to begin setting up.
Now we have had several days of over 100 degree weather, but Saturday was a bit overcast which kept the temperature down in the balmy 90’s. We had one sound system to set up down by the water after running power down there, and a whole second sound system as well as “disco” lights to set up by the mansion for the reception. It took pretty much all day and then at around 5pm had a sound check with the father of the groom and sister of the groom who were going to sing, and a terribly diva-ish pianist who was rude to Tim from the moment the guy sat at the keyboard. I didn’t know this guy, but I can only put up with a diva if they have the talent to back it up- this guy hit a wrong note about every other measure so I was not amused by his flitting around being hateful and demanding.
Tim and I cleaned up and changed for the wedding about 5:30. It was a lovely ceremony and then we went up to the reception area to start the music up there. Jon and I stayed at the reception working and Tim began to take down the wedding equipment before it got too dark down by the water. And that is when I made the mistake that I still feel badly about.
Now remember, I had been out in the heat all day, lugging heavy equipment. I had eaten one small slice of pizza that the groom brought us about noon and I had one bottle of water. I had hauled equipment, covered speakers, arranged cords and positioned lights. I had put a mic on the preacher, helped the vocalists with their microphone skills and tried to be pleasant and helpful to everyone. At the wedding my friends told me I looked “fresh” because they knew I had been concerned about being sweaty and gross by wedding time. I told them that between a change of clothes, a swipe of borrowed Old Spice deodorant (which the owner did not know I “borrowed”) and my acting abilities I was plugging along just fine! So I was tired, drained really and starving. So what did I do? I went straight to the bar for a glass of white wine!
I believe that alcohol makes you more honest, more of who you really are. It takes away your filter. If you are hateful but try to behave yourself, alcohol makes you a “mean drunk”. If you are talkative, you become more so. If you have crazy thoughts, but keep them to yourself, alcohol will make you share those thoughts. Alcohol magnifies your personality.
I am a very social person who loves to talk and be in the thick of the party. However my lifetime of feeling unattractive and “less than” has always made me more of the wallflower type. I also am very aware of my guys who are not the partying type, so I stay near them and mostly talk to them at social gatherings. In the case of an event where we are working, I stay very close so that I can run interference for them and help them in any way I can. I did not do that Saturday night!
The wine hit me hard on an empty stomach and as tired as I was. And almost as quickly I was talking to people I hardly knew. I talked to some of Jon’s old high school friends who I had not seen in years. They told me about their lives and asked for my advice on things. I talked to the groom and told him how much we loved him and how proud we were of him. I talked to people I did not even know. And every so often, I got another glass of wine. I stayed near the sound equipment and occasionally ran an errand for my guys, usually stopping to hob nob with someone along the way, but overall I was very little help.
Soon the party was over and most everyone left. I asked what I could do to help but somehow found myself in a conversation with one of Jon’s friend’s wife. And when the conversation was over Tim was telling me to get in the truck, we were ready to leave. I had done virtually NOTHING to help them load up all of that equipment!! I asked if I should go through and make sure nothing was forgotten and was told no, they had checked. I asked if the light upstairs had been retrieved and was told yes, it was done. And then we drove home.
After the 45 minute drive back to town, I helped Jon carry all of his stuff upstairs to his apartment then Tim and I headed home. It was about 1:30am Sunday morning. I bathed and it felt great to get all of the sweat off! And then finally to bed.
At 8:30am I got up to get ready for church and that is when it really hit me that I was still tired, a bit wobbly, but mostly I realized how little help I had been the night before. I wasn’t sure about all of the conversations I had been a part of. And I really did not see how all of that equipment, a 20 foot long trailer slap full, had gotten loaded without me even seeing it, without me helping at all and without me remembering it the next morning. But this I did know- I owed my guys a huge apology! They count on me to be there and to work right along side of them. That is what makes our little family work, we are there for each other and we never have to feel alone or overwhelmed because we can count on each other. We can accomplish more than seems possible because we are three strong, rather than one alone. And I had messed that up.
I have apologized to both Tim and Jon, I have asked God to forgive me and I am really trying to forgive myself. I hope I did not say anything too stupid in all of my conversations of the night, but I will say as much stupid stuff as I hear on a daily basis I am not too worried about that. But my guys are what count with me and I never want to let them down like that again! And I think I will lay off of the wine for awhile, at least until the wedding next weekend!
(Disclaimer- At the wedding next weekend I am only a guest, we are not working at the reception. It is at The Club and they have their own sound equipment!!)
