Well, I am sorry I left you guys hanging so long- it has been a crazy weekend. I have been going non-stop and just had no time to sit and write.
In my last post I told you the BFA letters were tacked on the call board at school late Friday. When I got to Montevallo on Saturday for our workshop the stairwell that holds the call board was dark- so dark I could not read the names on the envelopes. I tried to find a light switch but could not so I lit up my phone and found my envelope. I quickly stuck it in my bag and went on to the theatre without opening it.
The minute friends began to arrive they started bugging me to open the letter. I stuck to my plan though and did not. I knew it was bad news and I would be too upset to perform if I opened it right then.
The workshop was good but I did not perform- she called for certain people or certain types of songs that I did not have prepared.There was only time for about half of the group to work. It was fine, I really learn more listening to others than stressing and doing it myself. Afterwards, the group immediately said “open it, open it!” but I still could not. A “no” would once again humiliate me in front of my peers. I just couldn’t. My best buds looked sad that I wouldn’t open it there and made me promise to call or text as soon as I knew.
I walked to the hall and opened the letter- a “no” and I would keep going to meet my guys for dinner in Alabaster, a “yes” and I would go back in the room and tell them. Michael had told me the answer was in the last paragraph so I skipped to the end. I knew this was a letter I would reread a hundred times but right now I needed to cut to the chase! And then the word “congratulations” popped out at me! I read the whole last paragraph and could not believe it so I went back to the beginning and read.
I went back into the theatre, pulled Michael’s sleeve and said, “I have no reason to be embarrassed.” “You mean you got it?” I nodded and everyone cheered and twirled me around and asked questions and hugged me! I really felt accepted in that moment like never before.
I needed to get to my family, I wanted them to know, so I left hurriedly and drove to the restaurant. While waiting for them I slowly reread the whole letter. When the guys arrived I said nothing about it. And they didn’t ask. I began to get sad thinking they didn’t care- after all the SEC championship was on and Alabama might go to the BCS championship game- I was low on the totem pole! When dinner was nearly over I checked my phone and while I was looking at it I received a text from the man across the table from me asking, “Well, you want to tell us about your letter?” I told Tim I was afraid they didn’t care and he said, “We just didn’t want to upset you, I knew you would tell me when you were ready.”
See I have trained them by my actions to tread lightly. When it comes to my singing and acting I am fragile. Not in ANYTHING else, but in this case I fall apart easily and never think I am any good. Even while reading the letter I kept wondering why the faculty gave me my BFA! Do they want something, do they feel sorry for me, was it easier just to say yes and get me out of there faster? Even though I felt good about my audition I still never think it is good enough. As much as I try to push my Dad’s voice (that over the years became my voice somehow) out of my head, I still hear that I am inadequate. So I really have to struggle to block it out and get on with it. In the mean time I have trained my guys to be careful with what they ask and they let me bring news to them in my own time so as not to upset the apple cart that is my ego where theatre is concerned. I will say, I have gotten much better and I am much stronger than I used to be!! School will do that for you!
The kids at school don’t know this about me, they are young, excited and don’t know me well. They seem to like me and look up to me, something else I struggle with and can’t quite believe. One time a few years ago leaving a restaurant with Tim, I was approach by a young lady who pointed out the table where she was sitting with a date and another couple. She told me they had been watching me and that they had decided they wanted to be like me as they got older, that I was so well dressed and attractive, and they just wanted me to know they were admiring me. I thanked them, my husband smiled and we left. When I got home I told my son about this and asked him why he thought they might have done that. I could not understand the incident to save my life and the young people were closer to his age than mine so I thought maybe he could understand it. Jon, being a teenage boy tuned in to his Xbox and not really thinking jokingly said, “They were probably just making fun of you.” Well my bubble was burst. My dad always told me he cut me down so I wouldn’t get the big head- no chance of that around my house!!
So although I sometimes think the kids at school are sincere, I more often hear, “they are probably just making fun of you” in my head. On Saturday though, I think they really were happy for me and really liked me in that moment. And I felt a part of the group and for once I felt accepted. I know that our self worth should be just that- within our selves. And with most things I am good to go. But it was really nice to know the faculty has accepted me in this way and that the other students are right there with them.
So now we all know and I am ready to move full steam ahead! I have lots of work to do in the next two weeks and then another year and a half of even harder work. But now I know the path a little better and I am ready to go!
