Being Judged

What a week! I spent most of the daylight hours trying to help my son with a project he is working on. By midweek, the scope and look of the project had changed considerably and the whole thing was a roller coaster ride controlled by very erratic people. I am still processing how I feel about all of it and for now I really can’t say any more.

In the evenings I had rehearsal every night. This is my first full week of rehearsals and the play opens next week! You all know I am a planner and a “rehearser”, but between having a smaller role, my trip to Panama and weather, scheduling, etc. I have just never had to be there a full week up to this point! I feel OK about things though, which is also rare for me! I have enjoyed the cast and I LOVE just being there to see the other actors work. I, of course, love being on stage and this role in particular lets me be a show off and a bit snarky which is always fun!

Tonight I am headed to an audition. Having been on the director’s side of some auditions now, I know how judgmental a director has to be. I tried to not be so harsh as I know some directors can be, but bottom line you have to look at how a person presents themselves, how they look, speak, walk, and how they will fit the parts you have available. It always gives me a bad feeling to go through that process, either as the director who is judging or the actor who stands up there to be judged. It is all fine and good to talk about not judging people and not worrying about what others think, but in this line of work, during the casting process at least, superficial judgement is all there is. I have to think about how I look in what I wear, how I walk in whatever shoes I pick out, which song shows my range best in 16 measures, the range and tone of my voice as I have 45 seconds to do a monologue. Within the first 7 seconds of walking in the door, before I say a word, I have already been judged as too old, too young, too thin, too fat, too white, too tall or too short for what ever character they need. And they are either intrigued or totally turned off before I even introduce myself. And all based on things I can not do anything about!

It is a tough business, and I have learned more than anything to not be totally devastated by the outcome of these auditions, like I used to be. For a period in my life I used to take it so personally and be so devastated by the thought of standing in front of people and performing that it stopped me from even trying. After you are cast, the judgement still sets in. You put yourself, along with your fellow cast mates and the collaborative ideas of your director, costume designer and others out there for the audience to like or not. How many of you have driven home from a play, concert or movie and discussed how the performers looked or sounded? How many of you have talked about the quality of an actor’s work as you drove away? Probably most of you!

That is why I love small, choice parts. You can have fun, experience the whole process of putting on a play and if you do the part right, get a little notice. But the whole play does not hinge on you. And if you are not very good, it is a tiny blemish on the show and for the most part no one will remember you were even there! If you are bad in a big role it is torture for everyone involved! Too much pressure!

So for now I am happy doing what I am doing, and after all that is why I am in plays. To have fun and bring joy to the audience. So tonight I will do my best as I audition. That is all I can do. And, if by some miracle I walk in and I am the right height, weight, hair color, skin color, age and range then maybe, just maybe I will get another small, choice part. And if not, I can promise you that I will find something else to keep the adventures coming! Now I have to go bathe, pick the perfect outfit, make sure my makeup is perfect and rehearse my song and monologue so I can be judged again.