I have tried for two days to think of all of the positives about not getting cast this summer. I contemplated all of the things that would be better and work out more easily with the summer stretching out before me, unencumbered with rehearsals and learning lines. I realized how much better it would be for me and my family if I were home every night cooking a healthy dinner and sharing the stories of their days at work. I slept calmly each night with no monologues racing through my brain and no blocking or gestures involuntarily moving me around as I tried to sleep. It would be a calm, relaxing summer after all!
Then last night, after a big dinner of homemade turkey burgers and mac and cheese, I decided to leave the cell phone in my office and I headed out for a long walk. It was really hot, but the large quantity of food I consumed pushed me outside, into the heat. I looked at the lovely porches of my neighbors and tried to remember the beautiful planters I saw and I would now have time to fix for my own porch. I thought about the other projects I wanted to work on around my house- our bedroom needs new carpet, (I have changed all of the flooring in our house except our bedroom) I want new dining room chairs, (all of the ones I have, and I have a ton, have been acquired in odd ways and the chairs are fairly odd as well) and I want to make some more pillows for the back porch. I now have time to get out my sewing machine and make those pillows and fix all of Tim’s shorts and hem Jon’s undershirt sleeves. My house will be fabulous by fall and we will all be happy and healthy. What a wonderful new plan!
When I got home from my walk I had a message on my cell phone from an unfamiliar number. I listened to the message and as I did I felt a very strange sensation. I GOT CAST! (Sorry, that was not very humble! After all, there were 40 some odd people who auditioned for only 11 parts, so many people were not cast and I should be sensitive to their feelings. I have been on the other side of this process, where everyone is so excited as I have to smile and congratulate them, while I feel my heart breaking just a little inside. I know how it feels. That is why I had made all of my lovely plans, so I would not even notice when I was never called.) Now I don’t have to do all of those things I planned. My planters look fine! We have lived with the carpet in our bedroom for 13 years, another summer won’t kill us! And I will be home to fix two out of three of our meals. Like the old song says, “Two out of three ain’t bad!”
Being cast is like being accepted into a sorority or told you are good enough to play on the team. It is a great feeling, while it lasts. For me that is about 33 seconds. Then I have the same thought I had 27 years ago when the doctor called to tell me that after trying for so long, I was pregnant. I was ecstatic! Then I immediately thought, “What the hell have I done!” If there was a kid in me, eventually it would have to come out! And then I would have to raise it! What had I done! I knew nothing about children! But it all turned out! It was just momentary panic! My panic when I get cast is, “I can’t remember what I had for breakfast, what if I can’t learn the lines!” Then I ride in the car singing to the oldies that are randomly played on the radio. I remember all of the words to each and every song, even though I have not heard most of them for about 20 or 30 years! People remember what they want to remember. My friend Laurie and I say that at our age we have to have selective memory. Otherwise our brains would explode with all that we have seen, heard and learned. I assured my history teacher at lunch one day when I could not remember things he had taught me, that I retained the important stuff and had to let the rest of it go to leave room for other things I might need to learn in the future.
My next thought is that I will be found out for the fraud I know myself to be. I am no actress! I have awful stage fright! I can’t possibly be any good! Why do these people keep letting me get away with this! But my degree actually does make me feel a little better (finally!) and my stage fright diminished quite a bit a couple of years ago when I ran around on stage, half dressed, carrying a human head on a stick as I scaled a 12 foot tall wall. Funny how THAT happened.
On the form we had to fill out for the audition we had to put our occupation. I started to put “wife” but decided against that. That really is not a “job”, not for me at least. It is my pleasure. I started to put “mom” and realized that always leads to questions about how many kids I have and how old they are. When I say “one and he is 26 and has his own great job and apartment” I realize that is no longer my main occupation. I began to write down “actress” and decided that was very presumptuous! It is yet to be seen if I am really an actress or not. This part, even if it is a small part, is one step closer to feeling like maybe I am an actress. Maybe I can learn to enjoy the feeling of being cast for 42 seconds the next time before I panic!
All in all I am excited to get started, to become a new character, to have a reason to do research (besides just being a nerd) and begin some new friendships and adventures on stage! I will, of course, be discreet in sharing all of the stories on this blog. HA! Who I am kidding! Watch out- it should be fun!
