Tonight

Tonight was not a good night. My parents came over for dinner. Yesterday was my mom’s birthday and this Sunday is Mother’s Day. My mom is basically a recluse and sees the worst in everyone and everything. When she comes to my house that is about the only time she leaves her house so I try to invite them when I can even though it is always stressful for me. If I am honest, I also thought tonight might be when my parents could be impressed with my graduation from college. I had my diploma on a side table, my honor chords on a mannequin and other memorabilia around the house.

When I invited my parents to my graduation my dad talked about how they were going to a play the night before and it would be virtually impossible to make it to such an early graduation. As I questioned him about the play he told me how he had talked my mother into going and that he had hired a driver for them. I figured they were headed to Atlanta for such a big deal and I could see why they might not be back in time. I would give up a trip to Paris if it meant seeing my son Jon do anything, but I could understand if they had planned a trip, which is so rare for my mom. When I questioned him further he said the play was at the Virginia Samford Theatre, a few miles from my home. Now I am not a morning person, but I would get up at anytime to see my son graduate (refer to Paris comment.) They just did not care, they didn’t then, they don’t now.

When they arrived tonight my father gave me a copy of the program from his retirement 22 years ago. They had found it and thought I might like to have it. They carried on and on about how amazing he is. Then they began to talk about how he had been on TV this week. They brought me a ceramic frog and I thought, “Well, it is a strange graduation gift, but I will take it.” My mom said that she knew it was no special occasion, but she always hated to come over empty handed. It was at that point my eyes teared up and I excused myself to the kitchen. Of course, they were an hour early so nothing was ready and Tim was in the middle of a project. He came in about then and told me he was headed to the shower. I went back onto the back veranda to talk with them and I showed my mother the exquisite ring Tim had had made for me for my graduation. She acted like she did not understand and barely looked at the ring.

I went back in to check the dinner and told Tim I was about to lose it. He went out and talked to them about graduation while I was cooking. Tim told me later that my dad said how proud he was of me, but the minute I walked out they changed the subject. It was never mentioned again. My mother barely ate her dinner and would not eat her birthday cupcake. The minute dinner was over they wanted to leave and did.

I am at a loss. I am proud of what I did and wanted to share it with my parents. No, that is a lie. I wanted to put it in their face that I accomplished this. When I told them I was headed back to school three years ago, my dad laughed at me in my own house and said, “Well, I guess you still think you can be a star!” and my mom later told me that school was for young people and that I was about to make a fool of myself. Well, I did not make a fool of myself and I never wanted to be a “star”. I had proved them wrong, but they would not let me have my moment of glory or to gloat or whatever. It was if it had never even happened as far as they were concerned. Three years of my life.

Tim just came in and could not understand why I was upset. I told him that it was my father. And my mother. Sure, I had supportive teachers and friends, I had Tim and Jon, but it does not change the fact that I wanted my parents to say that I had proved them wrong, that I had succeeded, I had finished. And not with a whimper, but in a blaze of glory. But it was not to be.

I have learned that you have to cut people loose when they are dragging you down and don’t want the best for you. That is tough when it is your own parents. But cut them loose I will. I am over trying to please them and impress them. If they are proud of me then they will have to tell someone else because I can no longer put myself through this. If school has done anything for me it has made me aware of who I am and what I can do. And It has made me stronger. So I am over them and I am through caring what they think. I told my mom who was again lamenting how awful life is that this life was all she got. If she wanted to do something all she had to do was say the word and I would make it happen. She kept moaning and I gave up on her at that point. You can not help someone who will not help herself. I can not care about someone who does not care about herself. If that makes me a hard hearted bitch then so be it. I have to move on and make my life the best I can. That does not mean I won’t be there if they are sick or that I will let holidays go by without a card or call, but I have to move forward and live my best life. And I am afraid that does not include people who only want to pull me down.

All my dad ever told me was how much smarter he was than me, how useless I was and how he would always know more than I do. I know now he is wrong. Whether he acknowledges it or not, I know what I have done, who I am and I am moving on as of tonight.