I remember when my son, Jon was at Birmingham- Southern College and living at home. One afternoon he came running in very excited and proclaimed, ” I was walking across the quad today and I had an epiphany!” After a brief pause he continued, “And I’m not even sure what one is!!” His epiphany was that he realized he wanted to be a journalist instead of a computer geek, something I had been telling him off and on for years. But you have to have your own epiphany and really feel it in your soul, others telling you just doesn’t cut it.
In church today we took communion as part of the service, something we do every first Sunday of each month. One of our ministers, my friend Suzanne, has been gone for awhile due to undergoing treatments for breast cancer. I was surprised to see her there today. The last time I saw her was on Easter and she was sitting in the balcony not performing her duties as a minister. Since then she has had surgery and started radiation, so to see her in her robe serving was a pleasant sight! But like most women she is tough and going to do as much as she possibly can.
I was watching University of Alabama softball with my guys a couple of days ago and Tim wondered why the women could pitch so many more innings that the men. Jon had some long explanation about the different styles of pitching but I know that it is because bottom line, women are tougher and try harder to get back to “work” as soon as possible!
As I approached the alter rail I realized that Suzanne would be serving me communion, something I usually love. It means more to me to be served by a friend, than someone I really don’t know. Today I had a different feeling though as I got closer to the front of the line, and that feeling was embarrassment. Suzanne told me of her illness back when I was deeply entrenched in school. I have had my accident and done a play without missing a class or neglecting my family. I have had to come to terms though with letting other things slide. I only go to church on Sunday, I do not obligate myself for any extra activities and I stay in touch with my friends through facebook, emails and this blog. Between homework, rehearsals, the long commute and housework I really don’t know that I can handle more.
I know that there are people who handle WAY more than this all of the time, lots of you do, but I know my limits and I try to honor them. I know I have to eat and sleep and study, I can’t survive on caffeine and raw nerves like some of my classmates and if I commit to something I give it 110% which means there is less of me to go around than people who half ass do things. The kids who show up to class and ask me if I have my homework or if I read the assignment because they did not and they are worried always amaze me! I do feel sorry for them though and try to run interference when I can, I answer questions in class and volunteer to go first so those who are unprepared might survive to try another day!
So as I approached Suzanne I realized that I was embarrassed that I have done little to support her in her struggle. I have prayed more for her than I ever have in my life, many times every day. I have made a donation to caringbridge.com because those updates keep me connected to her, and I have written her some notes on said caringbridge.com. But something really helpful, no I have done nothing. I pushed so hard to not miss a beat when all of my mouth woes began and through all of the dental work during my rehearsal period that I wore myself out. Once school was done I began to play and relax, feeling I deserved a break. But now I was feeling very small and selfish.
As always Suzanne smiled her warm, loving smile as she handed me the bread and squeezed my hand. She moved on to the next person and I closed my eyes to pray for her and ask for forgiveness. I often feel so silly going back to school for something as frivolous as musical theatre. I am not making straight A’s so I can graduate and heal the sick or feed the masses. I am learning to sing and dance and play! So I asked forgiveness for that as well. And then it happened, my epiphany! I am kind of with Jon, I am not sure what that is supposed to be but I know I had one.
Standing in the front of that church, head bowed, large cross looming above me, I felt God talk to me as he has done a couple of other times in the past. It is an awesome, scary and wonderful thing when it happens. It is also undeniable, I have no doubt of what it is when it happens. I felt God tell me that I was on the right path. He told me that I would not feel so happy, so complete and so much “me” if I was doing the wrong thing. He assured me I could be a better person if I would just trust and keep on. And when I looked up and saw Suzanne smiling a me I knew that she was not angry with me but happy to see me.
Yes, I can do better, can’t we all?? Yes, I will try in my free time for the next couple of weeks to do something for her, something tangible that can be measured by humans. But isn’t praying supposed to be the strongest thing we can do for each other? So I will continue to do my best, that is all I can ask of myself, and maybe organize my time a little better. But God has a plan for me and for now I feel certain I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.
