Why Theatre?

I am not going to tell what anyone said in my class. I am not even going to tell you what I said in class. I will not even say what class I was in. I am going to repeat a question posed to us and hope that it is a general enough question that no one will feel I betrayed a confidence in repeating it. It was a question that has been posed in classes before. However, I have felt it to be rhetorical before. Or the professor posed it and then answered it. This was the first time that I felt it was an actual question, that I needed to answer.

I usually feel in most of my classes that my opinion is not valued. I have very deep opinions and can get very passionate about what I think and feel, but in class I have realized how much these kids like to hear themselves talk and I remember being that age and thinking my opinion was the most important! Now I know we all have our opinions and for the most part no one cares what I think.

I remember before I started to school telling people how I felt about music and art, dance and theatre. I remember being so passionate about teaching young children to appreciate the fine arts. For one year I taught a music appreciation class to 3, 4 and 5 year olds and I was SO happy to introduce them to symphonies, because I knew most parents never would. It soon became obvious that my class was not valued and if Ronald McDonald or some other “guest” was scheduled, it would always be during my time with the kids (and it was ALL of the time!) so eventually I quit. But I was still passionate about teaching young people to explore and appreciate the arts. I told my dad one time how I felt, I ranted on and on and when I looked at him he had tears in his eyes and he told me he was proud of me. It is probably the only time he ever said that.

Today when it was posed to me in a direct question- why theatre- I had to stop for a minute and try to muster up that passion I once felt. I realized that I did not have that strong feeling any longer. I still believe it with all of my heart, but I realized all of the emotion and desire I used to have, felt like it was dying a slow, torturous death. I realized that all of my dreams and hopes have been systematically smothered. I realized that while I still love to watch ballet and listen to opera, see theatre that makes me think and stroll through the art museum and feel renewed, I no longer see any hope of ever making art myself.

I felt my words did not ring true as I tried to explain how I feel about art and the joy it can bring to anyone and everyone’s life and how too many people in the world never get to experience it because of social conditions that make them think they don’t have time or it is not for them. When in reality art is for everyone and can make any life more worthwhile just by looking at it. You don’t have to sing or dance or paint or act. You just have to experience it with the artist. Let it seep into your soul, open your mind to what is being performed for you, do your part by letting your guard down and really let it move you.

Today I realized that for someone who always thought, for 50 years now, that she would be able at some point to move people with her art, whether it be my painting or my acting or my singing, realizing she can’t made the passion just a little less intense. It is not where it was 3 years ago. I thought college would ignite it into a flame I would not be able to control. Instead I feel it has poured cold water on it and made me wonder if indeed I have any role to play in sharing what I think is God’s gift to all of us- art that can change the world more surely than anything that world leaders can think of. I realized that as that passion has died inside of me, I have died inside a little as well. It makes me sad.

I know that I have had some incredible highs while performing. I felt it during my BFA project like I have never felt it before. I felt I moved some people, they told me so for weeks after. I know when I paint I feel a relaxation and a release like no other. But today I felt like I had lost something and had not realized it until now. I have not lost anything as far as my desire and my drive. I still believe that art is important and I still admire artists. What I think I have lost is the dream. The possibility is gone. I think even when my dad told me I was awful and could never be an actress somewhere deep inside of me that little pilot light kept burning, waiting for someone to flip the switch that would turn it into a full out flame. I think I hoped that somehow college would be that switch. Instead I have come away believing that I can not do this and that I have nothing to offer.

I told my friend that I had lunch with today (along with many others at other times) that once I have my degree I will just crawl back under the rock I came out of. Tim says he won’t let me, but I guess I have actually faced the facts today and it breaks my heart just as my spirit has been broken. I finally believe it, not in the superficial way I have up until now, but in a way that I think has finally doused the pilot light. So all of you who have tried to convince me that this is not for me- I give! I believe you!

I will give it my all and get my degree. I am not a quitter and I don’t do anything halfway in life, but I have finally given up the dream. I think that is the start of true old age, stopping the dreams and hopes. So I need a new dream and hope- FAST! That might be hard after having only this one for 50 years!

Every time I tell someone I have gone back to school, they look at me with such admiration until I tell them I am studying theatre. Then they look at me like I have 3 heads. They often say “Why Theatre?” And I really have not had an answer I could give them that anyone would understand. How do you say it tears at your insides? How do you explain the awful stage fright that turns to euphoria? How do you explain the hopes that get dashed on a regular basis, but you keep on trying? The question today of “Why theatre?” was in a different context altogether, but it was just as hard to answer. And it made all of the other questions come together in my head and make me very sad and lost.

I will recover and I will go on, but somewhere in my mind the question “Why theatre?” will swirl in my brain from now on.