I need to be working on getting my books organized (even though I just saw a syllabus where I was told online the totally wrong books to buy) because school starts day after tomorrow.
I am in such a bad mood and I am so angry, that I am having a hard time finding anything positive to grab on to about this new school year, other than the fact it is my last. I went into this so excited and although I was scared I have really enjoyed the experience. I knew it would be hard work, but I thrive on hard work. If I don’t have something tough to work on I create something- always have. However, I never thought school would take up every waking moment of your day and that some professors would think they owned your very soul. I have been out in the working world long enough to know that many people are on a power trip most of the time. And I guess it makes you feel even more powerful if you can jerk around an adult as opposed to a naive kid! Well, jerk away!
I am much more equipped to handle all of this than some. What everyone seems to forget is that I have been in the real world a long time. I have run the front office of a professional theatre, dealt with bank customers for years, taught kindergarten students for several years, went on collection calls for a national company to strong arm people who didn’t pay their bills and helped Tim with business matters since we got married. I have given birth, been president of a large organization and managed a house for 30+ years. There is very little you can throw at me that I haven’t dealt with in some fashion. I just never thought I would have to use all of those tactics in school. But I guess it is time to unleash the beast!
One more year- actually only nine months- until I am done and then I can go where my heart leads me. I have been thinking this morning that maybe I did all of this for the wrong reason. Maybe I went back to school in this particular field to spite my father or prove something to him. As much as I want to feel like I have gotten past most of that, maybe I haven’t as much as I would like. What if I started all of this just to show him I could? And what if my anger is intensified because another man who can throw his weight around has pushed me a bit too far? I did all of this to prove to myself I had what it takes despite what I had been told as a child. Now I feel like I am hearing it all again in a different male voice. Maybe they are all right and I was never meant for this, never cut out for this and never had the talent for this. Where does that leave me?
All I know is I can not muster up the joy I usually get from new books, clean paper, empty notebooks just waiting for possibilities, new school clothes and seeing my friends again. I have tried for days now to get enthused, but it just ain’t happenin’! All I can hope is that when I get on campus I will perk up. And if not, I at least hope I can push through it enough to reach the goal line and be done. But that is not what I want, merely to unemotionally get through it. That is not me. My Spanish blood is too fiery for that. And my dramatic side is too strong to let me just sit back and take it. Maybe I AM cut out for this after all- who knows. Only time will tell!
