In high school we had an awards day at the end of the school year. My senior year awards day was sort of frustrating because although I was a straight A student, there were two or three kids who were much more “egg head” than I was and they got all of the awards. I wasn’t valedictorian or salutatorian because I was third in the class and that carries no “torian” title! I was not as totally wrapped up in my studies because I was also a cheerleader and in the drama group. In my school that was quite the conflict of interests and no one knew how to deal with that, except for my principal.
At the end of the awards day program, the principal got up and started talking about an award he did not give out every year, in fact he had not given one out in over ten years! It was an award for someone who broke boundaries, who stood up not only for themselves but for others, who was their own person even in the face of adversity and someone who had made an impact on the school that would be felt for years after they had gone. And then he presented the “I Dare You” award to me. I was in shock, I had not done any of those things, I had just been me, for good or bad.
The award was not a trophy or a scholarship or even a certificate, it was my very favorite thing then and now- a book. A book by the same title- “I Dare You” written by William H. Danforth. That tiny little leather bound book is one of my most prized possessions. In a fire, after making sure my family and cat are safe I would grab my wedding pictures, Jon’s baby pictures and this book.
I was reminded of this book and award this week several times, and not in a good way! This has been an odd summer with no trip to the beach, no trip to New York and lots of turmoil. All of the things my summer usual contains, travel, sun, plays on Broadway, shopping and relaxation have been pretty much missing from this summer. It isn’t anyone’s fault but my own, but mostly it is just circumstances. Part of my turmoil has been getting comfortable with what my BFA project is going to contain and how it is going to be directed. I have worried over it, but done nothing to make it truly my own. I have been afraid to put my stamp on it because it might not be “right” and I might offend someone. I have thought of everyone but me. In my life that is usually the case and I have been OK with that. But not for this, not now!
My son had a camp he went to one year as a child and the theme was “I am third”. He was taught and came home to teach me, that God came first, others came second and he and I had to come third. For a “me” generation kid, I thought that was a good lesson. And I have lived by that for years. It isn’t all about me, I have to put my family before school. I have to help others before I frivolously do for me. And I have to put God first always! I have tried to do that in every aspect of my life.
Why is it hitting me now after all of the years of being the good wife and friend that maybe I can and should do more, for others but also for me? Tim and I went to Atlanta for the weekend and spent a day and night with my friend Stephen. He and I are crazy together, the south’s answer to Will and Grace! We shopped and laughed and had dinner in a restaurant that sent my husband Tim over the edge. It gave us lots of things to laugh about from now on and something else to hold over Stephen’s head, since he picked the restaurant. Later that night we piled up on the sofa in the hotel suite and watched a movie. Stephen is like a son to us and it was great to spend time with him.
While shopping with Stephen, Tim looked at me oddly at one point and made some comment about me being so free and happy. I realized how much I was laughing and acting goofy, something in day to day life I am careful not to do. I have to be the “smart one”, the “calm one”, the “sensible one.” I have to make sure our bills are paid, my mother in law’s bills are paid, my father gets to the doctor, groceries are bought, the clothes are washed, food is prepared, my homework is done, the cleaning is picked up and everything is done to a T. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my life and we go out to eat and to plays and movies all of the time. But I always have in the back of my mind what I need to get done and how it must be accomplished. So when I get with Stephen and I am out of town where I can’t really be held responsible and my chores are miles away, I become a little wild and crazy!
But all of these things came together to make me realize that I was no longer the person who won the “I Dare You” award. The inscription in the book says to “Aspire nobly…Serve humbly,”but in between it says to “Adventure daringly.” That is where I have changed, I think. Now don’t tell me I went off to college as an adult and that was an adventure. I took it on as a job, a new chore, a chance to maybe help others and a way to fulfill a dream I sometimes now wonder about. I did not go into it with joy and abandon. While at school I am conflicted about the need to be at home and when at home I think of what I am missing at school. Now I realize I was approaching it the wrong way.
This is my chance to be daring, to be adventurous, to be me. It is a chance to make a difference, but on my terms not on what society tells me to do. It is a chance to be creative and take risks. So far I have not. Again, don’t tell me I had a faux hawk and black eye make up, running around a stage barefoot carrying a severed head- I remember that well! But that was the director’s risk, I just did what she told me to do. (And I must say I enjoyed it!) And yes, I put feathers in my hair and danced on stage to “Gloria” for my movement final, but again, I was told to. I will say again, I enjoyed it!
So what do I have to do to find that freedom in myself? To be as silly and fun loving in town as I am out of town. How do I find that balance between doing all that I am responsible for, help others, be what I am expected to be and yet stay true to myself?? How do I go back to being more of that girl who was challenged to “adventure daringly” by the school principal who saw more in me than I see in myself? I have one more year of school left. I have just stepped out of my comfort zone by standing up for what I want in the BFA project I am working on. But I need to do lots of work on myself in this last year or I will get this degree and go quietly back into my shell. And I can not let that happen. I need to look in the mirror everyday and say “I Dare You!!”
