Well, I did it. My hair is now a reddish brown. I think I like it, I just have to get used to it. No one is going to tell me it doesn’t look good I guess, until tomorrow. My son will definitely tell me the truth! I saw a few kids from school last night at a play and they were complimentary, but again I don’t know if that is them being nice or truthful. I wouldn’t care really except like I said, I am not used to it yet.
When you walk around each day you have a vision in your head of what you look like. It is not what you actually look like usually. It is formed by what you have seen in your mirror all of your life but also by what people have said to you, what you think of yourself and different things that influence your self esteem. That is why an anorexic still sees themselves as fat even though they are skeletal in reality. That is why after overweight people lose weight, they still see fat. Beautiful women can look in the mirror and see every flaw and they never see the beauty at all. Ever see an older woman who has on way too much bright makeup, her hair dyed and teased way too much and bright clothes from a different era? When they walked out that morning they thought they were styling and they feel great!
So when we look in the mirror, we have a preconceived idea of what we look like. After all, we have seen ourselves everyday of our lives. We know every mole and blemish. But is that what others see? We are prepared for what we have always seen so we see the same old thing, we are swayed by our own prejudice about our image. We see what we have programmed ourselves to see-good or bad. Ever caught yourself in a random store mirror or walked by a highly reflective window? And have you been caught off guard and thought for a moment- “Who is that?” It is because you are not mentally prepared with your set “image” and you REALLY see yourself. At first glance you aren’t sure you are seeing yourself or a stranger, so you judge the image differently.
Once, a long time ago I remember seeing myself all dress up at a fundraiser that used to be called the Mall Ball. I just caught a glimpse and thought, “Who was that in my same dress? Oh it’s me!” And I was not nearly as hideous as I imagined! It was one of the first times I almost accepted my appearance! The other day I went shopping and again caught glimpses of myself and thought, “Who is that old lady in my clothes?” Again I realized it was me. Totally caught off guard. At that moment I was finally sure I wanted to get rid of my gray hair and jazz things up a bit.
By the end of the day yesterday I could see myself and I was beginning to recognize myself. But when I woke up this morning I again thought- who is that? I can prepare myself to look in the mirror and be alright- I even kind of like it. But when I catch myself unexpectedly in a mirror, I am not so sure. I want my inside and outside to match even though I think in talking to other people that might not be possible. All of my feedback about whether to do this was positive, except for my husband Tim. He really doesn’t like change and does not understand putting so much effort into your appearance. But even when I called my mom and told her ( I thought she would laugh or be dismayed) her comment was oddly one of relief! “That is so great,” she said. “You are too young to give up and have gray hair!” I think she has SO given up and does not wish the same thing for me!
So for a few days I guess I will just have to get used to myself. I know I am still me and when there are no mirrors, nothing has changed. When I saw the guys from school last night and they commented on my hair, I had to think for a second to remember what they were talking about. I was just me, happy to see schoolmates! But around every corner is a reflective surface that reminds me that I LOOK different, even if I am not really different and that people who don’t know me will possibly perceive me differently. And after all, deep down wasn’t that what I was kind of going for?
