I am somewhat of a neat freak. I like things in their place and for things to be clean and organized. I like making little displays and having things look pretty in my surroundings. That is just my personality- beauty, neatness and cleanliness make me calm and happy.
Right now we are in the midst of construction. Although we gave some furniture to the Community Furniture Bank and put some in Tim’s sound equipment trailer, lots of breakable and smaller items were stored in the guest room. As I have ordered and received new things like curtains and rugs, the boxes and new acquisitions have begun to take over spots in almost every room. No room is exempt from extra clutter and disorganization right now. Our dining room has become a makeshift den for evening TV watching and now the little bit of work to be done in the kitchen has begun so it is in disarray as well.
I am trying to be cool, to not let the mess and the clutter get to me. It goes against my very being, but I see the end in sight so I am working to stay calm. I tell myself how blessed I am to be able to have this work done, to buy a new rug or new curtains. It’s all good.
My dad died a couple of months ago now and I was able to bury his ashes last Wednesday. It wasn’t what I would have wanted, but it was what he requested so I did what I needed to do. It kind of went against what I believe, but it was not my decision to make. Lots of the things that went along with his passing have been hard for me to swallow, but I have done my best.
I am trying to be cool, to not let the emotions get to me. It goes against my very being, but I know that I did the best I could at the time and I have to move on as best I can, taking time to unpack my emotions and deal with everything the best I can. I tell myself that I am blessed to have my little family who stood beside me as I watched those ashes lowered in the ground. It’s all good.
I am in the midst of directing a play. It is a very emotional and important play. It is one that some of the participants have waited years for the opportunity to perform in and I feel the pressure to make it the best it can be. It is the first in what I hope will become a series of more important and mature plays that I want to present, so the success of this one could determine how much more of this kind of thing I can do in the future.
I am trying to be cool, to not let the magnitude of this for all of us make me stress too much or overwork the show. It goes against my very being to not take personal responsibility for every move and every dream of everyone involved. I tell myself that I am blessed to even have the opportunity to do this, much less with such creative and talented people who help to take away most of that stress because of their work ethic and their love of the project. It’s all good.
I am a person who has a pretty regimented routine. I do a yoga workout most every morning. I like to take a walk or run most days. I vacuum some portion of my house almost every day. I cook interesting meals most days. I have work I like to do and things that make up the time I spend awake. When I get off schedule, it doesn’t sit well with me. I know that this a fault- to be so fixed in life, but I am.
A couple of weeks ago I hurt my back. In getting everything out of the den for the above mentioned remodel, I think I got it primed for the dumb thing I did to push it over the edge- I picked up a king sized mattress without asking for help. And the next day, I regretted it!
I am trying to be cool, to not let the pain and now the medicine (I don’t take medication if I can help it!) and the “resting” get to me. I know that I now have a doctor who is working hard to manage my pain and get me in to have a pain block. I tell myself that I am blessed to have such a wonderful friend who is also a skilled healer in this area and can get me better soon. I have a supportive husband who has handled anything I need during this time of rest and recovery.
It is just that all of it together is a lot. I am in the midst of construction, my house is in different phases of destruction and the boxes and out of place furniture surrounds me. I can’t lift anything to move it and I just have to look at the items as my new friends, camping out in my house. I have to tell myself that my dad is gone and whatever issues we had, I did the best I could at the time and I have to hope that he did as well, even if I disagreed with him. I have to trust that the play will turn out well and that if it is not well received it won’t be because we didn’t do our best, that we didn’t strive for meaning. I have to tell myself that my back will get better and in the meantime I have to rely on others to help when they can and I have to be willing to wait to do what I can when I can.
I am trying to be cool. I am trying to take it all in stride. I am fighting to keep my natural inclinations and irritations in check for my sanity and the people around me. I am trying to look forward to what all of this will look like in the future, when the house is finished and gorgeous, when the play is an enormous hit and sells out every night (buy tickets everyone!) and when I can smile at the memories of my Dad and not feel so confused and conflicted.
I am trying to be cool, to know that whatever season I am in, it will pass and another season will be here. It could be better, it might be worse- we just never know. But I do know how I grow and handle all of this will make me more prepared to handle the future- good or bad.
I am REALLY trying to be cool! It’s all good.
