Love is Patient, Love is Kind.
I heard those words this morning in church and thought, “Love might be those things, but I certainly am not!”
I try, but I tend to be impatient. And although I really try to be kind, there are those times that I know I fail miserably.
The one thing that I can count on is that Tim is there beside me, even when I fall short.
The other day, we were at the home of some friends, eating some takeout and having a long overdue visit. Tim and I disagreed about something that has been a bone of contention for a really long time. I decided that I had had enough and called him out in front of our friends.
One of the friends looked at the other with a worried look and said, “Oh no! Mom and Dad are fighting!!”
It made us stop and laugh and move on, but not before I told this relatively new couple (new in that they have been together about 3 years as compared to our 37!) that being able to “fight” in a productive way was what made it possible to last as long as we have.
Oh, I know. Most of you never fight with your SO. It is all kittens and roses all of the time. You are soul mates and it is a delight just to wake up and see each other every morning. I am again, not patient or kind so I have disagreements with people- even Tim!
I have been witness to the couples who are so “in love” and never argue, the ones who one day have held in every issue, every problem, every feeling and just explode with the proverbial straw that is just one thing too many. When they blow up, it is catastrophic.
I have seen people who just shove down any disagreement in order to keep the peace. One member of the couple usually becomes resentful and feels put upon. I just can’t do that.
If I have a problem with you (not every little thing, but sometimes) I am probably going to hash it out with you. I know me well enough to know that it will fester inside of me until it poisons our relationship or I just erupt. ( I know- “Love keeps no record of wrongs” I told you, I’m not good at this!)
So I am direct, (unless I really don’t care that much about you and can just ignore you from now on) and I will let you know if you have really hurt me.
So after 37 years, Tim and I know how to disagree, how to talk it out and then move on. We know when to make a point out of something and when to just drop it. I know when something has stuck in my brain for several days and I have to either share what I am feeling or it will grow until it is more than it should be.
What I also know is that Tim and I are very different people, which makes life interesting, challenging and fun. It makes us grow and question what we think. It has made us learn to compromise and many times it takes us out of our comfort zone.
When I told Tim I wanted to go back to school, he immediately said “Go for it!” There was no worry that he would try to hold me back, or make me feel guilty for being gone so much or jealous as I met new people and had new experiences separate from him. All he did was support me and let me do my thing.
He loves racing and I do not. I have lots of good stories from our early days when I tried to like it, but it just is not my thing. It is his, so I want him to go and enjoy it as much as he will, as long as he comes home eventually to tell me about all of the people he meets and all of the interesting things that happen.
We married each other as two complete people and we continue to move through this world as two complete people. We are as different as night and day and as much as I am a loner and enjoy my time alone, I can not wait to see Tim at the end of the day, or the end of an adventure so we can share. There is no one I would rather talk to at any given moment, than Tim.
For Valentine’s Day I gave Tim a framed piece of paper he found and showed me the other day. It is yellowed and the original tape that held it to the wall for decades has no adhesion left- in fact it is grainy and disintegrating. The list of numbers wouldn’t mean anything to most people and those that used the numbers in the past are long gone.
It is a souvenir of Tim’s history, a reminder of time’s gone by. It is something that would be a piece of trash to anyone else. It is what makes Tim special- caring about history, being sentimental about where he came from. He believes in progress and moving on while still holding on to the people and things that made him the man he is today.
It’s the fundamentals of life that hold us together, not with a tight fist, but with a loose hand. The hand that holds mine during the benediction every Sunday, the hand that helps me up when I fall, the hand that waves to me as he goes off to the races or I head out on a new theatrical project.
It is our faith, our common goals and our excitement for the future that keeps us going- together. It is our past that reminds us of all we have seen and done together and all that we have shared.
When I read the list of things that love is in 1 Corinthians 13, I feel that I fall way short of how I should conduct myself. But then I get to verse 7- 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And that is the part I hang my hat on. No matter how flawed I find myself, I can always look to Tim to feel protected and protective, trusting and trusted, and hopeful. I know that we can persevere anything with those things in our favor.
Being with someone for a really long time (especially in a pandemic!) can be really tricky. I am suspect of any couple who says they never have disagreements (if you are one of those “soulmate” couples, don’t @ me, especially if you haven’t been together at least 30 years and you aren’t completely sure that the other person doesn’t just let you have your way to avoid confrontation!)
I am grateful I found a Valentine who sees me for who I am and loves me anyway. A Valentine who will call me out when I don’t get it right. A Valentine who lets me go off alone sometimes to work on myself and experience things he isn’t interested in and continues to do the things he loves, even if they aren’t my thing. I am grateful that we share a love of the past, are sentimental about the same sorts of things and work everyday to move forward together as individuals who honestly like each other, in spite of our differences. I am grateful we can disagree and still want nothing more at the end of day than to be together.
I wish for each of you, a life filled with people who support, protect, trust and love you for the real you, even if, especially if, it isn’t perfect all of the time. I wish for you a Valentine that will help you see that you are enough and yet still hold you up as you become even more.
Love is patient, love is kind. Even when we aren’t.
