I feel compelled to accomplish things. I think in this day and age and in this society we all feel very pushed to stay busy and constantly be doing something.
I have realized lately that when I have time to just relax, I feel guilty. At the end of the day if I haven’t done something tangible, I feel like I failed or wasted my time.
In reading Mary Oliver’s book “Upstream” she tells a story about going fishing. She and her companion used the wrong bait and did not attach it to the hooks properly. Because of that, they caught nothing.
She was glad to have failed at the task at hand because they spent the day pleasantly content, not having to wrestle fish out of the water or pull the hooks from their mouths. The water was beautiful, the sky clear and the conversation fulfilling. Having not accomplished what they set out to do was of no concern to them.
This made me think of a time years ago when Tim and I chaperoned a youth choir trip to New York City. On one night the kids could choose between going to a Yankees baseball game or going to see The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. Although I am a theatre person, I had seen Phantom many times on Broadway and touring companies, and I had never been to Yankee stadium so I chose the Yankees.
There are many stories to tell about that night- Tim nearly ended up in jail, and one of the kids locked themselves out of their room numerous times when we got back to the hotel. The best story though is that we had the most fun we had ever had at a baseball game, although not one pitch was ever thrown.
The weather was not good that night. We got in the stadium under gloomy skies and once seated, the rain began. Although it was the first of June, the dampness made for a cool night and I purchased a Yankees sweatshirt to pull on over my t-shirt. It is one of my most prized possessions.
We talked and ate and relaxed with the group of kids, listening to their stories, watching them prepare their signs for when the game finally started. They all felt sure their sign would land them on TV. After a couple of hours of hotdogs, good conversation and lots of laughs, the game was called for rain and we began our trek back to Hoboken.
I bonded with those kids in a way I never would have had they been holding up signs and cheering on the team. In those moments of doing nothing, waiting for our objective which never came, we found fun and friendships that have lasted for a lifetime.
In all of our striving to do more, work harder, skip vacation and be productive, I realize that we push ourselves into stress that is more than our being was designed for. We worry so much that we miss the sunset, we push past a possible friend, we forget to breathe.
I am the worst about worrying all night and then pushing all day. I am so overwhelmed by everything that needs to get done that I miss out on what might have been there for me if I had stopped and looked.
I jokingly say that someday I want to come back as my cat. She eats, sleeps, jumps on my computer occasionally to beg for a scratching of the ears and then slinks off to ignore me and my constant motion, ready for yet another nap.
Deep down I am envious. Not that I want to only eat and sleep (although some days that does sound pretty good!) but because she has no concern for what I think of her, how much she got done on any one day, or what the future holds. She enjoys her toys, eats her food with gusto and seems to sleep peacefully, no matter what the day was like.
Finding joy in just being, experiencing the beauty around us instead of hurrying past it in pursuit of another goal and taking time to listen to the people around you is against what the world seems to tell us to do. We aren’t measured by how few fish we caught on our fishing trip or how no one hit a home run at the baseball game because they never took the field. Sitting in the stands watching the rain and laughing for hours is seen as a waste of time. Coming off of the fishing boat empty handed is looked on as a failure.
I stay stressed to the point of exhaustion most of the time. I want to be in control of everything in my view. I want to lay my head down each night exhausted. I want to be able to show the world all that I accomplished on any given day and on days when that doesn’t seem like enough, I feel worthless. I always feel the need to do more.
My new goal is to try and be OK with time to contemplate, to relax, to converse and create. I want to know that I can just enjoy the boat ride and not worry about how many fish I don’t catch, to rest assured that time spent not watching the game is just as important as watching it. I need to know that I am loved by my friends, my family and my God even when, and maybe mostly when, I take the time to rest, to see the beauty around me, to acknowledge the people in my path and the possibility that I was made for joy and not for stress.
