About nine months ago, Tim started complaining about his hands bothering him when he went out on his bicycle. He figured it was his tight grip and the angle of his wrists that were causing the tingling and numbness.
As time went on, he began to have the same sensations even when he wasn’t on his bike. He decided to tell his doctor that the sensation was more constant, was spreading and was making it difficult to work. Our doctor began to run tests and look for answers.
From vitamin deficiencies to more serious neurological diseases, Tim was tested for what seemed like everything possible. Some of the things were simple enough, but other possibilities made me really nervous.
Eventually Tim began to lose his balance. We were working on tech week of a show I was directing/ stage managing when it hit home how bad things had gotten. A couple of actors were supposed to enter the stage through the lobby door which had somehow gotten locked during the rehearsal. When they tried to enter, they couldn’t so they began to bang on the door.
Tim, who was struggling to push lights off and on with almost no feeling in his hands, jumped up to go down the few stairs to unlock the door. He accidentally knocked his phone off of the rim of the tech booth, which then hit a button that plunged the theatre into total darkness. With no light and bad balance, Tim proceeded to fall all the way down the stairs.
I was perched back stage, waiting on the light cue that meant the actors were onstage. Instead it was basically silent, then pitch dark, then I heard the muffled booms as Tim hit each stair. I didn’t know what was happening and stepped out from back stage to read everyone the riot act, when I realized something had gone terribly wrong.
Tim was bruised and banged up but he laughed off the mishap, so we continued with the rehearsal.
The show was difficult for Tim. It got harder and harder for him to feel the buttons and faders he needed to move for the light and sound cues and during intermission he was worried about leaving the tech booth as his balance and coordination continued to get worse.
Tim had been to see a neurologist who did an MRI of his spine and didn’t really see anything, but with Tim’s insistence sent him to a neurosurgeon. During tech week we went to see the surgeon who was again saying he really didn’t see anything.
Tim is a fairly private person, although he says that and then tells most things to most people anyway. (Don’t worry, I asked him if it was ok to now tell this story before I began writing!) I, on the other hand, tell everyone everything. I’d rather just tell you the facts up front than have people making up stories behind my back. I have lived that before and it isn’t worth it- I have nothing all of that interesting to hide!
Without saying anything to Tim, I told 3 of my closest friends about what was happening and asked them to pray for the situation. While sitting in the examining room with Tim and the surgeon, my Apple watch began to vibrate on my arm. It was one of those friends texting to say she was praying right then about the situation.
The surgeon mumbled to himself as he looked at the film, seeming to find nothing that would cause the issues Tim was feeling. Again my watch buzzed and it was another of my 3 friends texting that she was praying. The doctor continued to look at the screen as my watch moved one more time, this time with a text from the third friend. You guessed it, she was praying.
The surgeon switched to a different view of the MRI and said “that’s it!” He had found the problem. He turned to us to show us what he had found and explained that he could do surgery and fix the problem! And that is why I tell my business to people- for the prayer, the support and the love that can be shared when we know what is happening in our friends’ and family’s lives.
Surgery was scheduled for the week after the show closed (the show must go on you know!) and the doctor could foresee us being able to take our trip to New York City two weeks post op! We had “Hamilton” and “Dear Evan Hanson” tickets and planned to celebrate our son’s birthday in style!
After prayers with our ministers the afternoon before, an early morning call time to the hospital and all of the usual prep, Tim was taken to surgery. Everything went well, although it took a little longer than expected.
Tim spent one night in the hospital and then was home on Friday afternoon. On Saturday night we went to see a play and on Sunday we walked to church (it’s only a block and the doctor said for him to walk.) It was slow going but doable, so I thought things were progressing nicely. The numbness was no better, but his balance and muscle coordination were better, so I saw smooth sailing ahead.
On Monday Tim began to feel worse. That night, after I had gone to the bedroom to watch some late night TV, I heard a thud from the den. I then heard my name and hurried to find Tim on the floor, unable to get up.
I did my best to get him picked up and to the bedroom. The next day I called the surgeon in a panic and the person who had been so kind in scheduling the surgery immediately made us an appointment to go back the next day.
The surgeon was astounded that by Wednesday Tim could barely walk. I had spent the past two days and nights holding Tim up wherever he needed to go. We were sent for another MRI the next day and by Friday the surgeon explained that what he did usually corrected things. In only 1 out of 400 or so cases would what had happened occur, but Tim was one of the rare cases. He assured us that he could do another surgery that would fix things.
Our trip was quickly cancelled and a second surgery was scheduled. For over a week I did everything for Tim. I will be honest- it wore me out. But that wasn’t the bad part. If you really love someone you do stuff for them and don’t really give it a second thought. What did keep me up at night were the “what ifs.”
What if he never got any better than this? After all, the one surgery had made things infinitely worse. What if that was it? What if the second surgery made things even worse? If this was it, how would Tim cope being incapacitated for life? How would I handle things in life if I had to suddenly do everything for both of us? I am not that competent!
Life at 3am looks way different than it does in the light of day. What seems impossible during the wee hours of the morning will make way for possibilities in the morning. This was really not one of those times. The “what ifs” swirled in my head even during the daylight hours.
For a week I tried to keep it together because I knew if I started crying, I probably would never stop. I stayed close by and tried to be as positive as I could be, although I didn’t feel very positive.
The second surgery went well. After we were in a room, the doctor came by and said that he felt this surgery had fixed all of the problems. The original surgery had made the spine clamp down on the opening where the fluid flows and now that area was open with spinal fluid flowing freely.
Before we left the hospital the next day, the physical therapist stopped by to take Tim for a walk and to give him some exercises to do at home until he could start physical therapy as an outpatient. She asked if we wanted a walker and he said no as I quickly said yes! For him to have some independence and my back to get some relief seemed a no brainer.
Miraculously, Tim only used the walker for a couple of days. He kept it in the bedroom for a few more days until I realized it had become just one more place on which to throw clothes at the end of the day. I put it in the guest room and within a week put it in the attic, hopefully never to be needed again.
During those first few days at home people we love stopped by to bring books to keep Tim busy, food to keep us strong and prayers to keep us positive. Tim got better and better and soon began physical therapy which he handled like a champ.
The doctor said it could take 6 months to a year for Tim to get back whatever feeling he would get and he was 100% sure that Tim would never be 100% back to normal. But he could get close.
A couple of months ago Tim was back out on his bike, he started slowly with short rides, but has built back up quickly. This week he went with a group of over 100 students to Memphis to work on houses with SOS (Service Over Self) and although I think he is tired, who wouldn’t be!?! It has been over 100 degrees! I am sure he has held up better than I would have.
I have friends and family who have lost the person they love, who have endured much more than I have. I write this as a testament to love. How we make those vows as young, starry eyed romantics and don’t realize what a commitment like that might mean down the road. We see the excitement and the joy ahead, as well we should. We don’t see the trials that also lie ahead. If we did, we might run!
In an instant things can change. Any moment the world can feel like it is falling in around you and the only way I see that I or anyone else gets through those times is with the power of love. Even in the moments when you do not know how you will go on, when those 3am “what ifs” hit you, the thing that gets you up in the morning, that strengthens you mentally and physically, is love. If you don’t have that, you will never make it.
Seeing so many of the the kids I “raised” and taught over the years getting married, having kids of their own and starting out in life made me realize how fortunate I have been. It made me wonder what is in store for them. It makes me want to wrap each one of them in bubble wrap and protect them, their hearts, their future. I know I cannot do that, I know they are destined for better and worse just like the rest of us.
My only hope is that these young people have that true love that will sustain them through the worst. Not the romantic, fluffy love of dates and trips and fun, but the love that gets you through the hard times, that can survive the happily ever afters and the bring you to your knees hardships.
We have no idea what the future has in store for any of us. The one thing I do know is that the people who prayed for us and with us, the son who held me up when I didn’t think I could stand any longer on my own, and the love I have for Tim will get me through whatever the future may hold.
