I try to be attentive in church- I really do. I can certainly find my mind wandering, but for the most part, I pay attention. It helps that we usually have beautiful music and a preacher who can tell a very engaging story.
Today, however, I got stopped by something that was said during the children’s moment. I think it hit me differently than intended, but it hit me nonetheless. The kids were being told about Mary, about how when she was called upon she said “Here I am, Lord.” The children were asked to be ready to respond the same way if called to do something important for God.
It was said that when God calls you to something impossible you should remember Mary and say YES!
My immediate thought was, “What if He never calls you? Then what?”
For 10 years I helped as a mentor to confirmands in our church. The first time I helped, my rationale was that since I didn’t grow up in the church and as an adult they just baptized me and moved on, I needed to go through the process and see what it was like. After that, I enjoyed it so much that for weeks each year I continued being a part of confirmation.
Every year we would sing “Here I Am, Lord” as part of the actual confirmation service and every year it would make me cry. I saw those eager young faces ready to do great things and would wonder and imagine what was in store for them. And then I would cry out as I sang- HERE I AM!! Tell me something I am supposed to do!!
As I thought about the children’s moment from the perspective of not being called rather than how willing I would be if called, I realized I had totally missed the anthem the choir sang. Then I realized the preacher was talking and I needed to get back in the moment.
Again my mind wandered and I was taking notes in a little book I always carry. I wrote down what was said to the children and I thought about how I wanted to write more about it. I thought about how many times I had heard other adults say they weren’t sure what they were supposed to be doing. They were unsure what their purpose was in this life.
My mind continued its journey as I thought about how much I love to write and how I wish I could do it all of the time. As with almost anything I do, I have no confidence and find it rather smug and unflattering to proclaim to be good at anything. And writing, sharing my random thoughts and ideas has to be the lamest thing to think I am “called” to do.
I thought about how I had gone back to school to study theatre, mostly because I had been stopped as a teenager from participating and I wanted to do that which was taken away. But is it what I am called to do?
At that point I pulled myself back to the sermon in time to hear that angels are messengers. That what is commented on in the Bible is an angels message, not their appearance. That what they say is what brings awe, fear, attention. That the words they share are what makes them special and important.
I stopped my wandering thoughts and listened. The minister continued with a story that drew me in and made my eyes tear up. It had nothing to do with being a messenger or really anything I had been pondering. It had more to do with judging others and grace. It was a beautiful story that grabbed me, held me and took me away from where my mind had been headed.
All afternoon I was busy, cooking lunch, going to an open house, picking up food for the next two days, stopping for a present for my cat. When I got home we watched “National Lampoons Christmas Vacation” like we do each year- hey, we do have a tradition!!
When everyone was gone and I had a minute to reflect, I realized that maybe I had gotten a message. Maybe the words that hit me about being a messenger were what I was supposed to hear.
NO- I don’t think I am an angel or a messenger from God. GET REAL!
What I did think was that maybe being able to write 6 pages about what I ate for breakfast and loving every minute of it is not a total waste of time. Maybe feeling a pull to write more is happening for a reason.
More than that, maybe we hear callings all of the time. Is it possible that I have had a calling and fulfilled it without even really knowing what it was? Is it possible that I have heard a calling and not realized it at all? Or, even worse, have I heard a calling and ignored it? Maybe I have heard a calling and purposely said no, not realizing it might be something important. Or maybe, what I am here to do is small and I am so full of myself I didn’t count it as anything that mattered and only halfway put my heart in to it?
If an angel came to me and told me what I was to do, I think I would jump for joy that finally, FINALLY I had a purpose that was clear and defined. I think I would be relieved to know what I was here to do. I think I would be in a hurry to fulfill my role in this show called life.
Unless it was too hard. Or something I wasn’t sure I could do well. Something I might fail at. Or worse, something that took me way out of my comfort zone or called for too big a sacrifice. Something I didn’t plan for or care about or agree with. Was I not here when I was called? Did I say no?
Have I missed my big chance? Is it right here in front of me? Will I be ready, receptive and excited if it comes along?
Mary said, “Yes, here I am Lord!” On further thought, I could never be so brave. I could never step out on faith like that. Maybe God knows that and won’t even ask. Wow- that seems the scariest possibility of them all.
