I have to tell you that this post has no great advice or point of view, it isn’t inspirational or political, it may have no point at all. It is merely a story that I feel compelled to tell, do with it what you will. I thank you if you take the time to read it.
On Friday I had an open house with the main purpose of letting people pick up the Christmas ornaments they had ordered from us. I put out a few of Tim’s designs for inspiration and to sell.
Being that it was the day after a major holiday, many people were still out of town. However, I did have several visitors, including some friends that I haven’t seen in years. It was a fun afternoon!
One of those visitors was a dear friend that I probably haven’t seen in over 20 years. It was such a treat to see her and her husband and catch up. They have a son that is almost exactly my son Jon’s age. We caught up on her grandkids, what everyone is doing these days, etc.
They knew more about what I’ve been doing than I knew of them because of this blog- for example they knew that my mom had died. I asked about her mom, who I remember as a lovely, funny woman. She is still alive, but recently taken ill.
My friend and I talked about our moms and the women they had been, the women they became as age took it’s toll and what we were feeling about them now.
I tell you this to give you a possible reason for the story I am about to tell. I am a person that looks for reasons for things, although many times I know there might not actually be a clear reason.
The last time I had a dream about my mom, any dream of any kind that I actually remember, was the morning that my mom died. I have blogged about that day and you can reread it here.
Friday after the open house, after fixing dinner, catching up on some TV and reading awhile, I went to sleep exhausted.
I have to tell you that I am a good sleeper. Once I turn out the light and TV, I am fast asleep. I used to be a light sleeper, but that is better now. I usually get in a full 8-9 hours of good sleep every night.
I don’t dream as much as I used to or at least I don’t remember them as well. I used to have nightly, vivid dreams that were as entertaining as anything I watched on TV! But not so much anymore.
In the wee small hours of the morning on Saturday I had one of my very vivid dreams. In fact, I am not convinced it was a dream at all. In this dream, someone rang my doorbell. It is the same doorbell that we used in the production of Barefoot in the Park that I directed last winter. Every time that bell rings I shout out “Lord and Taylor!” the line I think of when I hear that buzz.
In the dream, I walked to the door saying “Lord and Taylor!” I fling open the door and in walks my mom.
She looks like herself and yet she doesn’t. She never had any wrinkles and she doesn’t now, but her sad eyes are replaced with pure joy and her unlined face glows. Her dull gray hair is replaced with sparkling silver hair and instead of her short cropped hairstyle, she has long hair styled in dreads and lots of small braids piled up and spilling out in a disorganized fashion.
She looks more beautiful that I ever have seen her. She seems relaxed and happy and sure of herself. I don’t hug her or touch her at all. I can’t believe she is there and I somehow know if I touch her she might disappear.
I guess my surprise and shock is evident to her and she tells me that it is really her and she doesn’t have very long to be there. I rush for my phone, as any person of this time would, and I try to call Tim or my dad or someone who can come and see what I am seeing. Someone who can tell me I am crazy or share in my pure joy and amazement.
My phone won’t work, nothing will work on it. My mom tells me that she didn’t come to see anyone but me. I am not sure what to do, what to say. She smiles at me in a way I never saw before, she begins to speak and I wake up.
Overwhelmed, I silently cry, not wanting to wake Tim up. I don’t want to disturb him, but mostly I knew I could never talk about what I had just experienced.
It seemed so real! What did it mean? What was she about to say? Was she warning me of something? Was she just wanting me to know she was OK? I was at a loss. It has continued to nag at me.
I don’t know what I believe about what happens to you when you die. Not specifically. I do feel there has to be more, I’m just not sure what that looks like. I think people who have a specific idea of what happens are just making stuff up. I can’t find in the Bible one specific outline of exactly what happens.
My dad, being a man that doesn’t subscribe to any religion, always told me that when you die, that is it. Nothing more. Worm food. All that is left of you or your loved one are the memories. It always upset me when he said that and I have to say, I do not agree. But specifically what happens- I can’t say.
I want to believe she came to tell me that she was happy, free. I like to think she came to tell me that I needn’t worry about our last days together or the decisions I made that have tormented me for over 2 years. I hope that all of my worry over what did become of her once she was gone from this space and time were for nothing.
I have no idea what it all means. It was probably wishful thinking after an emotional conversation with an old friend. It was probably something I saw on TV or something I ate.
Whatever it was, it seemed so real. It was so wonderful to see my mom in a way I had never seen her before- relaxed, happy, sun kissed and free.
I don’t know what it means or why it happened for sure. For now I will take comfort. Thanks for listening.
