I have done daily meditation for a long time. I believe it helps me to relax and to clear the mind. For an uptight, type A perfectionist I need all of the help I can get!
Last week I taught a bunch of kids and their mentors how to take a moment and relax. I felt good when I left there and was happy that the kids seemed to really relax and enjoy our time together. Even the adults participated and seemed to get something out of the session.
A few days ago I found an app on my phone that reminds me everyday to meditate and helps to guide me through the process. It has made some very good suggestions that make it easier to relax and will make it easier for me to help others to relax. It has been a good addition to my day to day routine.
Until today.
The meditation for today started as they all have- noticing my surroundings and the sounds around me, breathing and noticing my breath, and then closing my eyes. As I closed my eyes, the calming voice asked me to imagine in my mind my surroundings…but 10 years in the future.
I was in my den which I am saving up to remodel and redecorate, so I started to try and imagine that I was still in my den, but looking the way I hope it will turn out. Although I have already taken a couple of years to plan the den, I could not see the transformation in my mind. All I saw was white nothingness in my mind. I lost focus on the voice coming from my phone as I struggled to imagine my new den.
Let me go back to say I have a lot on my mind right now, mostly things that are not super fun. I am home because church was cancelled due to “severe” weather and I was and still am listening to the rain pour outside. I have friends and others that I am concerned about and thinking ahead ten years came out of the blue as I tried to clear my mind of all of the things that are bothering me.
I decided to forget the new den and just move on, listening to the calm voice ask what I was feeling ten years in the future and that is when it really hit me- all I felt was sadness.
The voice asked me to imagine how old I will be in ten years. For the most part I try to not think about how old I am now, much less in ten years!!
I sat there, feeling overwhelmingly sad, imagining my 70 year old self alone in my den that was just as it is now and realized that somewhere in all of my worry about others and trying to help others see the positive side of things, somehow I have lost some of my joy. In all of the worry about the world’s problems and the disheartening things around me, somehow I have lost hope for the future.
And that isn’t how it is supposed to work! The more I share, the more I am supposed to have. Right? The more I do for others, the more I give of myself, the more I spread hope, the more I should have. Correct?
So why did the future me feel so sad and lost?
Am I not doing enough? Am I kidding myself that I am doing anything? Is this something more to worry about?
Perhaps I have chosen the wrong path? Perhaps I have done the wrong things? Perhaps I am lost and don’t even know it? Perhaps I knew it and ignored it? Perhaps my inner mind, (as has happened very often before) knows something that the outer me doesn’t want to see?
It seems meditation has just uncovered something I was unaware of, or did exactly the opposite of what I thought it would do. It has given me something new to worry about.
