Do you ever have those days when you are just weepy? Everything you do or think about has you on the verge of tears? I have lots of those days! Maybe it is because I am a girl, maybe because I am older but I am beginning to think it is because I am an actress. And therein lies the problem. I do think I am an actress. Just yesterday I said I really felt like an actress for a while. I enjoy performing and I love feeling all of the emotions I can make myself feel. I can’t sing a song without feeling happy, angry or sad, whatever the song dictates. I can’t learn lines without feeling what I am saying. And yet, I keep hearing that voice inside of me saying “Who do you think you are, pretending to be something you have no talent for? You are a fool!”
One of my teachers said on facebook to me today, “Who are you not to be beautiful, bold and brilliant?” I love her and I understand her but I can’t believe that for myself.
Another girl in class today was being rather negative about herself and her abilities and it was tearing out my heart because she is so pretty and sweet and SOOOO funny! She is probably one of the most quick witted people I have ever known and I envy her for that. To hear her feeling insecure made me so sad! And then I realized that that is what I have done my whole life. I got that drilled into me as a kid and then I took over saying it to myself. I know I have said this in my blog before but it is the eternal struggle for me. But to see someone else do it and know how wrong she is and how much I love, appreciate and admire her makes me get all weepy again. I want to tell her how much time you can waste doing that to yourself and how , the longer you do, that the harder it is to expel from your mind. At her age she can change a lot easier than I can at my age.
Lord knows I am trying. Everyday when I look in the mirror and see what I find horrendous I try to be positive and move on anyway. When I dance at school and I am SO ungraceful, I try to act like I have at least a drop of grace. And when I stand before these talented, amazing kids and feel so inadequate, I try to suck it up and go on anyway. Today I failed at all of that at every turn.
I wrote about being honest in the BFA show I am working on and I don’t know how much I can be without hurting others and putting myself into a situation I can’t deal with. I can write how I feel and send it into the universe in this blog but presenting it on stage myself might be too much. Then again, it might be just the thing! That remains to be seen- I have lots of learning and growing to do before then.
So today I weep, for me and for all of the other “kids” out there who feel less than and can’t see how extraordinary they are. I hope they have a teacher like I have who will pull them up and show them the way. And I hope they start young changing that voice in their head. And tomorrow I will start again. I may take 2 steps forward, sometimes three and then one back, like today. But little by little I am moving ahead.
