After I blogged the last time, I decided to really think for awhile, just study and pray and ponder. I then took a long, hot bath (I always think better when I am near water- the beach, the lake, a bubble bath) and I thought some more.
After the blog post about gifts, I had three friends from three different areas of my life tell me that they knew my gift even if I didn’t. They told me I was an “encourager”.
Having been raised by a “discourager” and thinking gifts had to be tangible, like I said before, I kind of blew it off when the first person told me this. When the second person said it, I began to think about how much I love working with my students- I love to see them grow and blossom, not necessarily as actors, but as people.
When the third person said it again, all within two days, I had to step back and really think about this. All three had mentioned times I had encouraged them and pointed out others I had encouraged.
When you have it in your head that your gift has to involve something tangible, measurable, rethinking it as something that you just do without work or without thinking seems like a reach.
In church our sermon was of course about Jesus and his entrance into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday. But as so often happens, something that was on my mind when I walked in hits me from the pulpit during the service.
The minister spoke on courage, but threw in the connection between “courage” and “en-courage”. Again with the encouraging!!
He defined courage as pouring some of your heart into another. I would be overwhelmed that anyone would think I had done that for them.
Friday and Saturday nights I got to sing. Where singing has so often felt like mental torture to prepare for, I was able to take the time to think about what I had blogged about making this time fun. I finally realized that for all of the harsh remarks from the past, no one can control my mind except for me. If I wasn’t having fun, that was no one’s fault but my own!
So I started thinking about the times I had let go and had fun. I thought about why I was singing (to perform with a friend, to raise money for a good cause, to entertain others) and nowhere in there did I see where this was all about me- or any of it about me! Nowhere could I see where I should be tortured by this. Nowhere did I see anything to get so worked up and glum over!
And then I realized (as I have before, but for some reason this time it stuck) that life is too short and nothing I was about to do was life or death. I have always worried about what others thought (especially about my performing) and it finally really clicked that I have been so wrong to care so much.
So I convinced myself that it would be fun! I knew I could do this to the best of my abilities, if only I would really let go and just do it. I had to not compare myself to anyone else, just do my best. All of the things I have told my students for years finally sunk into my head!
Waiting for people to compliment you, hearing applause when you walk out on stage before you even open your mouth, or the applause when you finish is definitely nice. For actors who don’t get paid, it is our “reward” for performing. As someone who stands in front of an audience ready to bare our souls, we kind of crave feedback in the form of applause and cheers.
But if we put too much stock in the cheering, then we tend to put too much stock in the criticism or comments as well. And they don’t feel so great. Waiting for the compliments that never come can crush us.
The trick is to look beyond the words of your peers. And that is where I get bogged down. Worrying about who is in the audience and what they think will eat you alive. Growing up watching a disapproving parent glare from the front row trained me to think I was screwing up no matter how many people applauded at the end. I finally taught myself not to look.
In the past I would imagine who was out there in the dark theatre and who might be judging me. Many times I fretted over people who weren’t even in the audience that night.
For some reason this past weekend I did not care who was there. For some reason I put it all aside, didn’t get nervous and was ready to go out there and just perform to have fun, make people laugh and know that the one audience member that really matters would be happy that I tried, that I had grown and that I was honoring Him as I sang.
Did all of this make me sound any better? I doubt my actual voice was any better. But I felt better and that couldn’t hurt! I knew if I was having fun, the audience stood a better chance of having fun. As they laughed, I grew more bold inside. Hopefully it showed on the outside.
Getting to know some new people and singing with them, cheering them on as they went on stage and came off after their songs was the best part of the night. Seeing things from a new perspective was great. Realizing that I could shut out the negative voices I’ve had in my head all of these years by softly thinking, “I can do this. It’ll be fun” and really believing it, was life changing. If I am an encourager, I should be able to encourage myself!
So, will I get back on the stage again? Don’t know right now. I kind of want to, but I kind of don’t want to push my luck. But if I get the hankering, if an opportunity presents itself again, I won’t be terrified, I won’t fret, I won’t be negative. Because I have added a new step to my process. It is simple- I just have to believe.
