Being a mom is a tough job and to be honest it was one I never thought I would do. I have never been sure that I did a very good job. Don’t get me wrong- I have the world’s best son. But I am not so sure that I wasn’t just lucky, because I don’t know that I did enough right to have such a good kid.
Being a parent comes with basically no instructions and requires no qualifications, even though it is the toughest job there is.
I have been thinking about being a mom a lot the last few days. It is definitely a decision that each person has to make for themselves. There is no shame in not being a mom, nor extra points given for being one. Everyone has to do what they feel best about.
After a super tough delivery, my doctor told me I would be wise to not have any more kids. Tim and I made the choice to stop with one in favor of keeping me safe and healthy. Anyway, when you have the best kid, a second child is just tempting fate.
Although I had no idea what I was doing and had never even held a baby until they plunked my son in my arms, I do feel pretty strongly about some things.
I feel strongly that you have to be honest with kids.
I feel strongly that you have to be honest with yourself about your kid.
I have never thought you should baby talk or talk down to kids. You don’t have to dumb down what you say to them.
Kids aren’t stupid.
My son knew the difference between earning a trophy and getting one merely for showing up. I bet your kid did, too. Mine didn’t appreciate it.
My son knew when I was trying to be complimentary for real and when I was trying too hard, because he wasn’t really good at something. He didn’t appreciate my fake compliments.
My son knew when I was keeping things from him and he DID NOT appreciate it!
I think that using big words grows a child’s vocabulary. I think exposing them to lots of different books, art and music makes them smarter. I think we do them a disservice when we take away their play time too soon, but we also do them a disservice when we think that is all they are capable of.
Kids aren’t stupid.
They know more than we give them credit for. They know when they are doing something wrong. They will push you to see just how far they can get.
They usually prefer being around the adults that keep it real with them. Unless they are trouble makers, then they want to keep the wool pulled over your eyes as much as possible and hate being around the people who see right through them.
Having worked with hundreds of kids in acting workshops, preschool, youth groups and private lessons, I have become a pretty good judge of character. I know when I am being snowed. I will usually give them “that look” and let it go. If I am being taken advantage of, I can smell it a mile away.
Back in the day, I believed that my son COULD definitely do wrong, although he rarely did. I gave teachers the benefit of the doubt and gave them permission to punish Jon. Luckily, that was a rare occurrence.
Only once can I remember him getting in real trouble in school. In elementary school his class was saying the Pledge of Allegiance one morning when he and his friends got rowdy and began to shout the words. They were saying the correct words, just shouting and being obnoxious. The whole group of several boys got sent to the office.
Jon usually was a leader in his group, but this time he followed the group right into trouble. As part of his punishment he was kicked off the safety patrol squad. He was mortified.
I could have complained to the principal that Jon was usually not trouble and this was a one time thing. I could have said that he was led astray by bad influences. I could have fought his suspension from safety patrol saying that he had never been in trouble before.
From my perspective all of that was true.
But what better way is there to learn not to follow the crowd down a dark road? What better way to learn that sometimes it only takes one mistake to get in trouble? What better way to see that your actions have consequences?
I was the mean mom who listened to my son’s excuses and while I sympathized, I let the punishment stand.
I was the mean mom that when my son forgot his project on the day it was due, refused to take it to the school for him.I figured that maybe if I didn’t rescue him, he would remember it the next time.
The real world doesn’t often give you second chances. The real world hits you hard when you are unprepared for what can happen. To make it in the real world you have to have some experience with real consequences.
Somewhere along the line parents went from asking “What did my child do?” when called in to see the teacher, to “What have you done to my child?”
Now I know occasionally there are bad teachers (from what I have seen it is rare, because teachers usually WANT their students to succeed) who either don’t care or misread a situation and an innocent kid gets punished. I think a parent has to be real when figuring out each situation.
There are many lessons to be learned if you will stand back and let your kid fight some of his own battles. And if you will realize that your “little darling” might actually mess up occasionally!
How much better would we be if some parents were a little more realistic when their perfect little angels goofed up? How much more would our kids learn if we realized they aren’t perfect, so let them handle the consequences like young men and women, not coddled babies.
I guess I was a bad mom- I love my son fiercely, but I was honest with him and about him. I know that he tries hard to do the right thing and is a rule follower even more than I am (and I am pretty strict with myself!) but I have to think some of that is because I let him suffer the consequences when he messed up.
And we ALL mess up.
Maybe I was a bad mom, but seeing it now from the other side, I think I am OK with that.
