It is a new year and although I haven’t made any resolutions, I think what I am feeling is probably the opposite of what most people do in the new year. Instead of being more organized, I think I need to be less structured, more open to go with the flow and see what life has in store.
I realized the other day that I try to micromanage everything, including God! I want to control everything, always have. If last year taught me anything, it is that I am not really in control of much of anything.
I was told as a youngster not to cry because it made me look weak and out of control. For years I wouldn’t cry and to this day I still won’t cry in front of the person who told me that. When that person recently told me that I was strong to not cry, I realized how misguided they were. I told them that crying didn’t make you weak, it made you real. I told them that truly strong people cry. I myself have cried more lately than I thought humanly possible. I just haven’t cried in front of this particular someone because I knew they would make fun of my emotions. I kept it under control.
I will admit that crying can make me feel a little out of control. I am beginning to think being a little out of control is just what I need. I don’t mean I want to spend my days crying, I’ve had about enough of that!! What I do mean is that it is exhausting to worry about what you and everyone else is going to do next.
I spend a lot of time with people who won’t make decisions. Most people know I will make them, so they “let” me. Once again, I feel like I have to be in control, even when I don’t want to be.
So if I have a resolution it is to quit taking on everyone’s issues. I will be there for you, but you are going to have to make your own decisions. I’ll listen to you, but the call is yours.
I will not plan my days so detailed, I will leave a little room to be surprised. I will not be a total mess, it just isn’t in me to be late or sloppy, but I am not going to be so regimented.
Yesterday I went to run errands. I usually have a list and I quickly go down the list checking off each item as it is accomplished. On this outing though, I decided to veer off course. I ran into a place where I had no list item and I just wandered. I then went for a walk right in the middle of my errands. I decided to take another detour and during that detour, I realized I was smiling, almost giddy.
Eventually I realized that time did not stand still and that I still had items on that blasted list. I got it together and finished my chores. But I did realize that the world did not come to an end while I “played hooky” and that it gave me a sense of joy to just let the wind take me where it wanted.
I think once a week I will try to go rogue, go off course and see what I can find. I’ll take my carefully written list for the day (I write one every night for the next day) and chunk it. I won’t plan everything way ahead of time and I won’t worry about what others are doing or not doing. We all have to make our own decisions and live with the consequences. I won’t make excuses for people or take their problems on myself. I can be a better friend if I just listen, but let you make your own mistakes.
I have blogged recently about failure and I hope to have some amazing failures this year. I will do my best to walk away from those mistakes better than ever. I just feel I need to take some risks. If not now, when??
I plan to say no to more things and to break some rules this year. I plan to be a little more difficult and a little more outspoken. I hope to make some people mad and have a few more confrontations, instead of being so scared of conflict to the point that I don’t say what I mean or do what I want.
I hope to be a little more selfish and use my time to make a real difference that matters rather than just following the crowd to do what is expected.
So maybe I have made some resolutions- just not the usual ones. I’ll be less organized, less schedule oriented, more of a failure, break more rules, more confrontational, more real, and more selfish. And I’m giving up control- I never really had it anyway.
