I saw a TED talk recently about bravery and how boys are taught to be brave and girls are taught to be perfect. When given a task, boys will try to do something, even it’s wrong, while girls either don’t do it for fear of imperfection at the task, or do it and hide their work when they fail. During the TED talk, studies are cited and anecdotes are shared.
I can surely see this in my own life. Even when I think of going back to audition after two years away, my brain keeps telling me I will fail. Why would I put myself in a no win situation? What I should do, and hopefully will do, is throw myself into the situation and learn from the experience regardless of what happens.
I teach several different groups of kids right now. Some just once a month, some once a week, some twice or more a week. Each group has a lot of the same cast of characters- the teacher’s pet, the cut up, the disruptor, the Eeyore (like in Winnie the Pooh.)
One girl I have this semester in one of my groups is more of an Eeyore than I have ever seen. You know what I mean by that- right? She says no to everything, everything is a problem, and no matter what I suggest she can’t possibly do that due to some imaginary issue she has in her life.
She can’t play the characters I have given her, she can’t do the movements called for, she can’t put her long hair in a ponytail, she can’t, she can’t, she can’t. (One thing I ‘ll definitely tell you – she can’t be an actress until she gets past all of this, but that is a discussion for another time.)
I try really hard to not single students out when they are having issues. I try to say something general to the class that is aimed directly at the person with the problem without making it seem aimed at them. So one day I told the class that we were going to try an experiment. It is actually an experiment I try on myself often. It is called “Just Say Yes!” I told them it was like the JUST SAY NO, but has nothing to do with drugs and alcohol and everything to do with being positive and brave.
I quickly found out that this group of 9-16 year old people had never heard of JUST SAY NO. (The other day they were astonished when I had put my script into a spiral notebook and suggested they do the same. They began to ask me about this thing called a “spiral notebook” and where could they get such a rare item. I was floored. Do kids not use notebooks anymore??) I know that JUST SAY NO was not totally successful, but I thought it was still a thing! What do I know?!
Anyway, I told the kids to be agreeable and willing during that class period. If I asked them to try something on stage to “Just Say Yes” and see what happened. Lo and behold, we had a great class time and made lots of progress. And my Eeyore actually said her lines for once and enjoyed herself.
The next class time she was right back telling me all of the things she couldn’t do and the myriad of ridiculous reasons she couldn’t do them. I have to say she has worn me down and I have just said fine to all that she says. And then I saw this video and began to think of all of the things this child (did I mention she is only 11 years old?) would miss in life in we all just give up and let her chicken out of everything??
I want to be brave. I want to try things I am a little scared of and do things I never thought I could. I want to stand up for what I believe in even in a room full of bullies and be all that I was meant to be. I want to help other young people step up to the plate and swing, even if they miss hitting the ball by a mile. I want them to brush it off and say, “Pitch to me again. And again. And again” until they finally hit the ball.
When I wrote that I was taking a hiatus from reviewing plays I had some former classmates of mine say they admired that I “lived life on my terms and they couldn’t wait to see what I did next.” Another lady I do not know at all sent me a private message saying she was showing my post to her sons so they could see that you could change your mind, change your course in life and to do all things with enthusiasm, like I did.
I was unbelievably flattered. But I was also very upset because I know, even if these nice folks don’t, that I am a fraud.
I don’t feel like I do anything on my terms. I am scared out of my mind about everything. If we are going on a trip- I am scared. If I am going to teach a class- I am worried. Headed to an audition?TERRIFIED. Think about the future? In a panic!
I was showing my son a picture today of one of my old classmates who is teaching English in Indonesia. She posted a picture of herself with a Komodo dragon- a HUGE Komodo dragon. I then proceeded to show him pictures of her on an elephant, in a cage with tigers, bungee jumping off of a tall building and toodling around on her motorcycle. Now THAT is brave (or really stupid, I am not sure which!)
I, on the other hand, have to give myself a pep talk to get out of bed each morning. I can think of so many reasons why it would behoove me to just stay nestled up in the covers, warm, comfortable and safe. Each day I eventually poke my nose out from under the sheets and slowly (very slowly- I am not a morning person) join the rest of the world. I make it to teach my classes and pretty quickly forget my worries and enjoy the kids, the Eeyores and all. I do go on trips and sometimes think about the future and will eventually head out to an audition. Not because I am brave, but because I am human. Something in my being tells me to go, to try, to be.
With everything going on in the world, it would be easy to just stay in bed, stay in my house, hide out. When you see the headlines you realize how difficult the world is to live in, especially for women and other marginalized people. When bullying and prejudice is modeled by people at the top, it is hard to see how things can get any better. That is when hiding out at home seems the prudent thing to do!
But we have to face down our fear and press forward with whatever bravery we can muster. Will I ever jump off of a tall building? HELL NO! But I will try to be brave in my own way and help teach these young people to also be brave, boys AND girls. I will plan a trip, and I will vote for president.
Nelson Mandela said, “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
With that said, maybe I am brave! After all, I did get up this morning!
