What a day! It was busy and all, but that wasn’t what made it such a hard day. I had my ballet evaluations which I totally bombed but that isn’t what made it a hard day. The single thing that made it a hard day was that I got really disappointed in some people that I used to think a lot of. And that is one of the worst things in my book. I know people will let you down and that I have let people down at times but when someone goes way out of line it hurts.
After auditions yesterday the call back lists were posted quicker than I can ever remember. By the time I came back to sing the list from our first audition was up. I got called back for the only part I was appropriate to play and was thankful for it. Even though I won’t get the part at least I was ok enough to get that far this time. Others who didn’t get call backs that they had expected were not very gracious. I saw tears, which seems to be par for the course. But I saw something else. A viciousness I had never seen from this group before.
After class this morning, in trying to console a classmate, I was shocked when they turned on me. Not only did they not agree with my viewpoint which is fine, people don’t have to agree with me, they continued an attack that really hurt me. And although I have vowed to never name names in this blog and I certainly would not now, I have to say I considered this person a friend. And the other person they then quoted with a remark that cut me to the bone, I also considered a friend.
I was in a funk all day which helped to make me extra sensitive. When my name was called almost immediately in ballet for the wrong form, I felt the tears well up in my eyes and it was all I could do to keep standing, much less dance. I continued. I know that my GPA is now ruined but what could I do? Run out in tears? Cry while dancing? No.
All I have to say is there are ways to conduct yourself even in disappointment. There are things to say when you are upset that don’t include belittling others. I know I was upset when I wasn’t cast in Pippin but no one saw a tear and I tried not to be vocal about my disappointment. I asked my advisers what I did wrong and I was sad but why would I blame other students? They didn’t do anything! If anyone was to blame it was me- I screwed up! If I was mad at anyone it was me for not doing my best. If I had a grudge it was for being old and worn out and not able to do what I need to do sometimes to make it in this group. But never did I blame another student or make false accusations towards anyone. So I was highly disappointed to be the victim of such talk.
I almost withdrew from the call back and believe me I just wanted to come home and forget the whole thing. But I didn’t. I probably again did not do my best because of my disappointment but I carried on. THEN I came home and went to dinner to celebrate with my husband and son. Celebrate what you might ask? That I got through the day and that I have my family to come home to. I don’t have to get the part to celebrate, going through the audition is the reason to be glad. I stuck my neck out and tried, I tried, I learned and I felt the experience. Getting the part is not the end result for me.
So you can belittle me and my abilities and spread rumors about why I am where I am- I don’t care. You can go back to your high school ways and be petty, I have a few secret weapons- my faith, my family and my maturity. You can call it being old if you want- I wouldn’t go back to being 20 for anything. I have experienced every minute of my life so far, I have few regrets and I am loved! What more could I want? No part is worth losing yourself for and no one’s going to bring me down with hate. So yes, I am sad and disappointed but I will be back tomorrow so deal with it!
