It has been 40 years exactly since I was a college freshman studying education, being pushed to study business by my parents and longing in my soul to study theatre. As I felt the pressure to make choices, I decided to write my high school drama teacher and mentor. Jim Rye was a good guy who taught drama at my high school my senior year and was also an important part of the Birmingham theatre community.
The response I got from Mr. Rye was not at all what I expected. He wrote to me and told me that I was indeed one of the hardest workers he’d ever known and that I had talent, but that I did not have the temperament to succeed. He really didn’t see how I would survive, knowing how sensitive I was. He could see the theatre world being too harsh for me even in our small town, much less the “big city.”
I carried his letter around with me for months, while trying to make a decision about my future. It became ragged from reading the three pages over and over and over. I just knew that he was wrong, that I was tougher than he thought. But I wasn’t. I didn’t stand up to my parents or the voice in my head telling me I had no talent and why was I kidding myself. If I couldn’t fight myself and my parents, how would I handle strangers!
I went to work in a bank and eventually got a banking certificate. I started out with good intentions of doing lots of theatre on the side, but life got busy and I got scared. Being at the bank was good- I met my loving husband there and eventually had my phenomenal son. Life has been more than I could have ever imagined and continues to get better and better! I even went back to school and got my BFA in musical theatre, despite the obstacles and nagging voices in my head.
As you know, if you read this blog, I have been writing reviews for a while and I have given up participating in theatre in any other way. After having run the box office, done tech, stage managed, directed and acted in parts both big and small, it still gives me a thrill every time I see an audition notice. Of course, then I remember I’m not doing that anymore and I make myself not think about it. As long as I don’t slow down and give it any thought, I am fine. I know it is for the best.
I recently found myself in the middle of the very sort of thing Mr. Rye warned me about, people’s egos and lack of professionalism. And again, I guess he was right- I don’t handle controversy and confrontation very well. I try to be nice and sensitive to others and that does not work! I waited months to calm down and to think of the kindest thing to do. When I felt ready, I extended an olive branch. It took me almost 4 hours to write, rewrite, tweak, read aloud and then rewrite again to make the olive branch as kind, professional and conciliatory as I could. And then I had the olive branch yanked from my hand and was slapped in the face with it.
As old as I am, and I am OLD, I still don’t know how to react to that. It still shocks me when people are mean, hard hearted and rude. I am still taken aback and try to think how maybe I have misunderstood. I read and reread the reply. I read it to my husband. As hard as I tried to excuse this behavior there was no way around it, it was mean!
Ironically, I guess my old mentor and teacher was right all of those years ago. I don’t have the thick skin and the temperament to put up with that sort of behavior. I take things personally and to heart. I am who I am because I don’t act that way. I guess I am too sensitive because I feel all of my emotions which helps me to not act in such hurtful ways to others, but it is hard on me. And partly because of the advice from my mentor of 40 years ago, I try really hard not to worry too much about what mean people say. My wonderful, fulfilling life means I can just walk away from such behavior. I can turn my back to them and not give them any power over me.
I wanted to respond, wow did I want to respond! But I didn’t. And I won’t. Writing here helps me get it all out.
I’ll never understand such people, the mean girls of the world, but I have to leave them to karma.
