I just got a tweet from my friend Michael- the BFA letters are going out today. They are going to be pinned on the call board. I am not on campus today- my one class was cancelled. I have finished all of my projects and homework for the semester this morning and I studied a bit for my finals. Then I decorated our Christmas tree, something I had resigned myself to not doing until after my finals. When I realized I was free today we ran to get a tree last night and I got it decorated today! And I cleaned and decorated most of the rest of the house as well. I also got a last minute appointment to get my hair trimmed in preparation for going out tonight, a workshop tomorrow at school and my audition on Monday.
In the midst of all of this accomplishment I get the tweet that stops me in my tracks. I had kind of put the BFA audition and decision on a back burner in my mind. I knew it would be a while before we heard anything and I also knew I would drive myself crazy if I didn’t just forget it. But now it is suddenly staring me in the face. And I don’t feel very good!
I am sure a lot of you don’t know how important this is to those of us who are waiting patiently for an answer. It is extremely important to us. And now I will receive it minutes before I have to go in to sing in front of my peers, something that freaks me out every time without this added disappointment! I will probably not open it until I am done with the workshop. On the flip side it might bolster me if I get a positive letter but I am not looking for that to happen and it is not worth the risk.
I know I can and will try for my BFA again, I know in the big scheme it is not as important as we like to think. I am older and have a better handle on that than most of these kids. But it is the culmination of all we have worked for and it is a validation of everything we have done in school. So I know the sun will rise and life will go on but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel sick right now.
