I tend to feel guilty about everything. Always have and probably always will.
In listening to friends, I don’t think I am the only one. Maybe it’s a southern woman thing.
When we spend time with our families we feel like we should be doing something more, but when we leave the family to do something, we feel guilty about not being there for them.
Several years ago I decided not to let people guilt me into doing things that I don’t have the talent, time or inclination to do. (One of the ladies at church convinced me that if I have no desire or aptitude for something, maybe that isn’t what God wants for me. Of course, I also hear that we are often called to do the thing we aren’t ready or willing to do at first, so more guilt!)
Because of that, I have missed out on lots of committee meetings that I would have previously been roped into. That is a good thing. Except that then I feel guilty that I didn’t do the very thing that I didn’t let people guilt me into.
For the past 4 months or so, I have tried to eat and live more healthfully. I have worked out nearly every day and for several weeks I gave up sugar and alcohol completely. (I’ve eased those things back into my diet, just a little more moderately!) I had a goal in mind, not only for the exact number of pounds I wanted to lose, but also how I wanted to feel. I met that goal and just kept on going. And now, although I am way past what I wanted to accomplish, I continue to count every calorie that goes in my mouth and journal about every sit up or push up I do. And on the days when I just don’t have time to work out or I silently crave a cheeseburger, I just can not help but feel guilty.
I write reviews of plays for my “job” and I lose sleep every time I come home from a play that I didn’t like. I toss and turn trying to find positive things to say and words that I can use that are kind, yet honest. After I write and rewrite, read out loud and ask opinions on the severity of certain phrases, I have to eventually publish my work. And for the next few days I feel guilty.
I can tout that I have training, a degree in fact, and years of experience in theatre. I can know in my heart that if all I do is give a synopsis of the play and say they are all great, I could just train my cat to write the reviews. (I don’t think she feels guilty about anything! Lucky cat!)
My job is to write what I see and feel about productions. I am not an ad agency for the theatre community, although I do try to be an advocate for good theatre. But if I had told my son that everything he did growing up was perfect and wonderful, he would have eventually begun to mistrust me because he is smart enough to know he isn’t perfect. And he would never have tried harder to be successful. I think the theatre community is mature enough and can realize they aren’t perfect either. But I still feel badly.
I try to do for others when I can. I try to volunteer when I can. I don’t do enough. I feel guilty about that.
Lately our church has done a lot of big projects where hundreds of people show up on a specific day to do good work. For the most part I have run the other way during these projects. Did I just admit that out loud?
Too many times I have seen people who only do the big things, make sure their picture was taken as they served a meal or bagged potatoes, and then they are full of themselves for weeks to come. Now don’t get me wrong- it is better to do that than to do nothing. People who only go to church on Easter and Christmas at least go to church those two times. And I have no idea what is in their hearts, what their reasoning is or what God thinks of that. It is none of my business.
I can only speak to my feelings and what I do.
I just don’t like crowds of people, many of whom are standing around talking, when there is work to be done. Give me a little task in the corner and let me go at it uninterrupted, and I am happy as a pig in slop. Don’t expect me to make small talk and chit chat when I am working. I guess this is why I like to write, I can do it alone. And for the most part- uninterrupted.
I’ll socialize with you when there is a party, but if I am supposed to be working, let me work. And DON’T take my picture while I am doing it! (In fact, just don’t ever take my picture at all!)
Now I feel guilty. Guilty that I don’t participate in the big projects. Guilty that I don’t want to fellowship while I work. Guilty that when the video comes out on the big days at church, my picture is nowhere to be found.
When everyone talks about all of the great work they did at an event, I feel guilty that I was with my family enjoying lunch.
And no amount of work I might do the rest of the year can make my guilt go away. It is never enough.
I rarely read any more or paint or do the things I enjoy, because I feel the need to always be doing something more “important.” I bought several books a few weeks ago, hoping I would read more, like I used to. I read through one of the books and then went back to being “too busy.” And I feel guilty that I bought the books and am not reading them, but if I read them I would feel guilty that I wasn’t doing something else more meaningful.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a great life and do lots of fun things. With my family. For my work. With my friends. But I do find ways to make myself feel badly about some of it. And I almost always feel guilty when I do something just for me.
So how do I quit feeling like I never do enough? Do even more service work to try to fix that? Quit trying all together? Keep plugging along like I am?? I know I don’t do nearly as much as most of my friends. They are all exceptional people and I gave up a long time ago trying to compare myself to them, because I fall WAY short. But how do I find peace when I keep telling myself I am not doing enough with what God gave me?
More food for thought as go through my days. For now, you will have to excuse me while I go to a meeting I was guilted into.
