“Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.”- D.W. Winnicott
This past Tuesday was quite the day. I knew it would be. I had bad dreams about the day for a couple of nights before. I just wanted to get on with it and get it behind me.
I had been in Dallas for the football game all weekend. We had some stressful moments making flights, but overall it was an amazing getaway. One of my crowning achievements will be that I packed for a three day trip in just my small backpack! I packed less than either of my guys and other than only having one pair of shoes (which kind of freaked me out!) , I did OK.
On Tuesday morning I worked out, showered and dressed, ready to face the day. Right before I was going to leave, my son stopped by. I read him the quote above and told him that it was so “me”. I want to tell stories and share thoughts, but I really want to be alone! I guess that is why I love to write.
My first stop for the day was at the Overflow Foundation. Last year certainly had its ups and downs and with the changes we made for this year, I really didn’t know what to expect. All I had were my nightmares from the previous nights.
Luckily, my nightmares did not become reality. We had a good group of kids and we kept moving enough so that no one got bored. When I tried to lay down some rules for my class, I could tell I was losing them. It is so hard to teach kids drama when they are all so afraid to be honest. They are constantly judging each other and making fun of each other.
And even though many of them say they want to be singers and actors, they do not want to speak in front of each other and they refuse to memorize anything!! In other words, they don’t want to put any effort into it- they think it is a “get rich quick” scheme! (my theatre friends can get off of the floor laughing -or crying- now.)
All of this to say that my work is cut out for me! But we played a few games and had some fun getting to know each other. I needed it to be a good experience because I knew I had an even more trying experience ahead of me- an audition.
Well, actually a callback. For those of you who don’t know, a callback means you have already done the first audition and they called you back because either they didn’t see enough to make a decision, they have several people who look good for the part and they need to see more, or they just want to torture you some more, just because they can.
I think I have made it known here that I am not fond of auditions. I know it is a time to experiment and to act. I know I should lighten up and especially with callbacks, have fun. I just don’t. I never have. I love to read out loud, I love to tell stories, I don’t enjoy auditions.
This audition was going to be especially daunting. Part of the reason for that was that I knew I would have to do a British dialect. I had wanted to practice some over the weekend, but being in Dallas with football fans is really not the time to break that out! I did do a play in college in a British dialect, but that was a) almost four years ago, b) I had a fairly small part, c) I really broke each word down and studied it, it didn’t just come tripping off of my tongue, and d) I doubt I did it very well even then!!
I was supposed to be at Overflow until 5:45. My audition was at 5:30. I emailed the person who had invited me to callbacks and asked if I could be late. I asked my boss at Overflow if I could leave right after my class at 5:15. Both requests were granted. I shot out of my class and ran for the car. I drove as fast and direct as I could to the theatre. When I arrived I found that the person I had been in communications with was not there, nor was the person who had conducted the first audition. Instead of either person, there stood someone else, someone I had never met in person, someone I have reviewed several times, someone I had not always given good reviews. My heart hit the floor.
I almost started to leave, but I had gone this far, I had to continue.
I did the first scene he asked me to do. I did my best and although I always think I am horrible (if you think I give tough reviews online, you should hear the reviews I give myself in my head!) I felt like I did OK. He then asked me to do it again, this time in a “proper British dialect.” (I thought I had used a proper dialect- uh-oh!)! Actually I had no idea what I sounded like. So I slowed down, put my mouth in a better shape and was ready to try again. He then gave me a direction that confused me. “Hornet” he said. I am sure he said more, but all I heard was “Hornet.”
In all of my time on stage, much longer than this guy has been alive, I had never heard that. I would say it was some new term, but I just graduated. Was it something that had been invented in the past two years? I searched my brain and could not figure out what “Hornet” could mean! I looked at him quizzically and repeated, “Hornet??”
“Yes, be waspish, hornet.” I thought I understood, so I went for it. The poor girl who was my scene partner was the victim of some severely harsh words. I let out my venom and at the end told her to F@#* OFF! I finished the scene knowing my acting was fair, my venting real and my dialect awful.
I was handed a monologue and instructed to sit and look it over. I just wanted to go home and have a glass of wine!
As I looked over the monologue, I heard people coming in. The group that had been called at 6 was showing up. I continued to look over the monologue, while another group did a different scene. When they finished , the director handed the sides out to a slightly different group, looking past me several times. Then he looked straight at me and said, “You can do the monologue while the others look over this scene.”
I walked to the stage and before I said a word, I looked around the room. Where there had been 3 or 4 people before there were now 10-12. They were some of the heavy hitters in this theatre and they were all people I had reviewed before. I gulped. How do you stand in front of people who you have judged and not feel judged yourself? How can you mention someone else’s flaws and then stand before them even more flawed?
I didn’t think words would come out of my mouth. When they finally did come out, I don’t know what kind of dialect I was using, if any. I have no idea what I said. I am an excellent, accurate reader, but in this instance I think I left out half of the words on the page.
When I finished, I heard, “I think I’ve seen enough of you. It was nice to finally meet you in person.” I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
Driving home, I could only think of two things- that glass of wine (!!) and how I had to make a choice. I could never date two people at once when I was younger, I can’t be two-faced and I can no longer feel good about trying to be in shows and critique shows.
I can not stand in front of people I write about without feeling like they should throw things at me. I am honest in my reviews, I am not going to say I enjoyed something if I didn’t. I am not going to give a Wikipedia synopsis of the play and call it a review. I am not going to stroke the egos of people in hopes that someday they might cast me. I can not sit on both sides of the fence any longer.
My last couple of theatre experiences were not good. I felt that I had creativity stifled inside of me through the whole process and I thought I would explode. I know I can do better than what I have done. It is frustrating and difficult. I don’t show my best side in auditions, but I know I am as hard of a worker as you will ever meet. I want to be creative and give any part all that I have to give. But I think I am done.
By the time I got home, my mind was made up. My guys had planned to have dinner together since I was going to be out, but since I was done so soon I was able to hang out with them. I told them how things went and how I was feeling. My sweet husband doesn’t want me to give up on something that I love so much and that I have worked so hard for. My practical son on the other hand understood and agreed with me that I have to make a choice.
That night when I went to bed, I felt like someone had put their fist down my throat, reached way down deep and ripped out big parts of me. I still, two days later feel like crying sometimes, well, most of the time. But I still feel like I am doing what needs to be done.
I have since bought tickets to 5 plays that are opening in the next week or two and I will be stepping up my reviewing process. If you have a play you want me to see, let me know. I have been getting lots of invitations to not only review, but share feedback with cast members. I might not do much of a British dialect, I might hate auditions, I might freak out when actors are glaring at me, but I can honestly write and I DEFINITELY know what good theatre should look like.
So Tuesday was the first day of the semester for Overflow, it was the first day with my new class, it was the last audition I plan to attend (although I never say never) and the last of my attempts to act. But there is so much ahead for me. Be looking for more reviews and more honest critiques, I got nothing to lose.
