Looking at Yourself

For over a week I have been on the go. Last week I had 2 birthday lunches with two sets of friends, and one birthday dinner with my guys. I have been to plays and board meetings and dinners and did the Ice Bucket Challenge. I finally thought today that I had a day at home, but I realized we needed groceries. Tomorrow is the start of another full weekend, lunch with more friends, workout with Jon and then a road trip to a football game. Work day for The Overflow Foundation on Saturday, as well as another play to see and review. Tonight I plan to just chill, finally. It is wonderful to just relax at home and have time to breathe and think. Too many people don’t want to really think about their life and where they are, what they are doing. I love those times I get to reflect on what I have done and think about where I am headed. Too many people and too many plans can drive me a little crazy if I don’t take some time for me.

I decided when I turned 40 that I would make an effort to do something new every year, something I have never done before. I made that decision as I was waiting to board a helicopter for the first time. Every year since, I have carefully thought about what I would do that year. Then I went back to college and I really didn’t have to work at it so hard! I did so many things I had never done before that I couldn’t keep up! And since graduation it hasn’t slowed down.

Last Friday I had another birthday and I wondered what the new year would bring. The very next day, I had already done another first. I was invited to the home of the woman who directed me in THE DIXIE SWIM CLUB a couple of months ago. Another lady had recorded the play and had copies made for each of us. Our director wanted to have us over for a reunion and to screen the play. You have no idea how close I came to saying I couldn’t make it! I really wanted to see all of these wonderful people I had worked with, but I did not want to see myself on a TV screen. I am very self conscious of how I speak, how I move and especially how I look. I remember as a teenager working all day getting ready for a school party. I had a beautiful new black dress and my first high heeled shoes.  I washed and styled my long, dark ,thick hair and carefully applied makeup over my acne covered face. I felt as pretty as I have ever felt and I walked out of my room with a tiny bit of confidence, a new and odd feeling for me. My father looked up from the evening paper and with a look of disgust he told me I looked like a witch. Somehow I was able to pull it together and go have fun at the party anyway. The flow of the dress and the adult feel of the heels carried me out the door, despite the tears that welled up in my eyes. But you never really recover from, you never really forget, a remark like that!

Knowing I had to see myself on the screen in front of others was terrifying. I happened to see an interview with Jared Leto a few nights before where he admitted to having never seen “Dallas Buyers Club,” the movie he won an Oscar for. It made me feel like I was not alone being so weird about this. My director told me I was definitely not alone in this feeling. I have videos of other shows I have been in, but I NEVER even considered actually watching them! My voice teachers used to make me record my voice lessons so I could rehearse during the week. Believe me, I rehearsed like crazy, but NOT with the recordings. I have never listened to a one of them!! (Sorry Dr. Taylor and Natalie!)

While watching the video we all laughed and got teary-eyed, pointed out funny things that happened and mistakes we made. I have to say I was not as horrible as I had thought I would be. I had already decided that this viewing would decide whether I ever auditioned again. If I was awful and felt like I brought the rest of the cast down with my “awfulness” then I was done- forever. If I saw even a glimmer of hope in what I did, that with hard work I might could be OK, then I would push on. I saw lots of things I need to work on, it was tough to watch a bunch of times, but I saw that glimmer. I saw that I was not outstanding in my wretchedness. I fit in with the other talented women in the cast at least enough to keep trying, working and growing. I had faced the demon and lived to tell about it!

I will forever be grateful to this cast and director for their support, friendship, generosity and now for making me watch myself for the first time. It is always hard to face ourselves. I know I don’t see myself as others see me. I know it is easier to lie to others than to yourself and yet we lie to ourselves every day! I know that I can not grow in my acting, my writing, or my life if I don’t work at it. I know that I have lots to work on. I know that these days when I can stay home and contemplate my life, my family, my friends, my past, the present and the future, the horrors in the world and the joy of being alive, I make strides. I no longer take all day to get ready for a party. After so many years I have it down to a 30 minute routine. At my age, you just do the best you can and then go on. I am grateful for the people in my life who make me feel special, who let me be me, who inspire me to keep going and who cheer me on in all of my crazy pursuits. The people who have lunch with me, who come to see my plays and tell me the truth about themselves and about me. That is the only way we can all grow to be the person we are intended to be. So go to the mirror and take a real look at yourself. Find at least three fabulous things about yourself physically and three amazing things about yourself mentally/spiritually. Know that we all have growing to do, but in the scheme of things we are pretty awesome!!

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