I am not a very good “stand around” kind of person. Oh, give me a lovely adult beverage and put me at a cocktail party and I can stand around, drink and chit chat for hours. But if I am supposed to be accomplishing something, I get irritated just standing around. I have been to the Firehouse Shelter when there are too many volunteers and we end up standing around looking at each other instead of cooking and serving. I get restless when I get stuck at school for a few hours with no real reason to be there other than waiting for a class or rehearsal. I usually end up studying, or going for a run. I don’t like to be idle.
I have just come home early from a youth Halloween event at church. I had been told I was needed to man the table where they were painting pumpkins or I might need to judge the costume contest. These kids are big enough to paint their own pumpkins so I stood there like a lump and occasionally they looked at me with disdain- I moved on. NO one was at the costume table and I think the way they are doing it this year is lame anyway. The people in charge walked by and never uttered a word to me so I came home. There were too many chiefs and as a willing worker bee, I felt useless.
I sat down here to write about getting teary eyed in church this morning. I heard the choir and realized one of my reasons for going to college was to feel worthy to sing in church some day. But in the process I feel kind of alienated from church. I am only there on Sunday and not every Sunday at that. I don’t belong to any study group or any group any more for that matter. As I sat there feeling sort of isolated I felt tears run down my cheeks and wondered, “What have I traded for this dream? Is it worth it?”
In a couple of weeks I have an audition that could bring my dream crashing down around me and I get sick feeling every time I think about it. I am preparing like crazy but I never think it is enough. I am never enough.
But to feel the possibility of failure after all I have done, all I have lost, all I have given up, made me very upset this morning.
And then I went to the ballet and saw the beauty and felt what I think great dance, beautiful music and stirring theatre is all about, a passion that you share with your audience. A lifting of the human spirit and mind that nothing but a sharing of true talent, love and passion can cause. That is what I want to feel as a performer, it is why I went back to school, it is why God created some of us with that love, talent and drive. I believe God smiles when we perform because we are sharing a gift and He wants us to bring that gift to others to maybe make their life a little easier, happier, more pleasing in some way.
So the ballet began to help my feelings of despair. Then I went to youth and realized, they are fine without me, after two years away lots of them don’t even know me! I will find new meaning in something soon but for now I have to concentrate and finish what I have started. If my audition goes poorly, I will begin again and try again. I felt lost from God in church this morning but I think I have found Him again in a ballet and a rejection. I have to press on to see what He unfolds before me. For now, I have answered my own question.
