Faults; or are they??

I guess since my semester started off rather awkwardly I have focused on the negative a little too much. I have written about my doubts and my insecurities a lot. That is certainly a part of me and my whole intention with this blog was too honestly depict my journey through school. And these first four weeks of school have really gotten to me.

But let me make it perfectly clear, that is why I went to school. To stimulate my brain, to really examine my life and my abilities, to meet new people and experience new things and mainly because I want to be a better actress. Let me say that again for those of you who do not understand, I am studying to be AN ACTRESS!

I have recently discussed some of my emotions in this blog, what some of you see as faults. I have self doubt. My dad kind of instilled that in me by constantly criticizing me and cutting me down. Even today when I chastise him for that, he says he didn’t want me to have a big head. He is all about how smart he is and how accomplished he is and I guess he didn’t want any competition so he was never satisfied with what I did and did not want me to ever feel like I was enough. I am a grown ass woman and I am over that but somewhere inside of me I still hear the little voice he started for me as a child and I was stupid enough to continue as an adult. It shows its silly head in times of stress and doubt.

I also care what people think! And thank goodness I do! If not I would be tempted to tell it like it really is instead of watching my tongue and my manners. I also have a husband and son that I “make nice” for so they don’t get shunned by the world because of my bad behavior. I try to make the world a better place by remembering who I am and not just being a non-caring, crazy person!

But my biggest “fault” is that I let things get to me. When I was elected president of the UMW at my church, the past president told me that I would have to grow a thick skin because no matter what I did I would be criticized. Well, I was criticized plenty, but the thought of getting a “thick skin” did not appeal to me. I wanted to hear the criticism. I wanted to know what the people thought. It would make me better, it would make me stronger, it would make me see myself through others’ eyes so I didn’t just ramrod my ideas down everyone’s throats. I wanted to hear and experience the emotions, all of the emotions. Tough skin?? Screw that!!

Which leads me to being an actress. Not a “star” like my dad feared I would get into my head, not a singing fluff girl, and not just a person who could be a one dimensional character but a real actress. One who feels the emotions of her character who doesn’t just pretend to be someone else but gets into that person’s skin and cries real tears and laughs a real laugh. And I certainly can not do that if I don’t feel every hurt in real life and laugh when things are funny. I can’t be uncertain as a character if I have always been too sure of myself. I can’t show real love if I haven’t opened myself up to real love that hurts sometimes. I can’t play meek if I always boss everyone else around. So being willing to truly feel emotions and not try to live in a bubble is why I am succeeding marvelously in my school experience! (How was that for confidence- feel better people!?)

One of my professors told me in a casual conversations that he had never known anyone who really understood themselves like I do. He said he was amazed at how I examined my life and feelings. He told me it would make me a better actress and probably a better person.

So you can hide and play games with yourself and be thick skinned and pretend all you want. And good luck with that. I prefer a real life, an earthy life, a life where you are crying, laughing, doubting and strutting all in the course of a day. So I have my faults like anyone else but maybe for me they aren’t all faults.