Questionable

I am not sure why, but I am in a funk. I take that back- I know why! I can’t share all of the reasons because the stories are not mine to tell. But what I can say is fairly obvious- I just finished a play that I enjoyed. The play before this one was an experience I could not wait to be done with. But this time was different. Yes, I have been going nonstop for over four months and yes, I was more than ready for a break, but I had made friends with this group and learned to love what I was saying and the story we were telling. I had a second character added for the second venue and I didn’t get to take the time to make her better. I did all I could to learn the lines and put some expression into them. I wish I could have had more time with her- to bring her a personality and voice all of her own. But alas, I didn’t. She was close enough to my other character that I am afraid they were too much alike! So I have regrets and therefore the beginnings of my funk!

I spent a part of today going through old papers and memorabilia of someone who can no longer organize her own things. I found out more about her in this one afternoon than I had ever known before. I found out that she was more sentimental than I realized. I found out she loved all of us more than I realized. I got lost in the past and tried to reconcile what I found in those bins with the person I thought I knew. It made me wonder what kind of a person I come across as and how the walls I sometimes put around me make me seem different from who I really am.

In the midst of all of this I got a text from my son and what he had gone through today, a text from a friend who is keeping me posted about another friend who is not doing well, and a call from another friend who lost someone she knew this weekend and needed to talk. I again felt powerless (a feeling I don’t like) and confused- confused by life, confused with what I think I know and confused with what my role in real life is supposed to be. I felt like with this play I was sharing a message, but I don’t know if anyone really got it. And is this what I am supposed to be doing? Would my time be better served making casseroles for friends in need? I don’t feel like that is my calling, but I think it is what is expected. And although I am not very good at the casserole thing, today I don’t feel like I am very good at the acting thing either! Am I doing a good job, am I making a difference or am I just indulging my own ego? While I have very strong feelings about the arts, theatre in particular, after a day where you see real life and death, I wonder if what I am doing really means anything. Oh, I know that really important, famous actors are making a difference, but am I?? Today, I think not.

On those days that I question everything, I go back to wanting to just hide in my house, become a recluse like my mom. But that certainly doesn’t do anyone any good. And God? Where is he in all of this? Letting people who are old and lost continue on and then letting people who are young with children who need them, die.

Each night, after I was finished with my part in the play, I gathered up my stuff and carried it all to the dressing room. Then I quietly slipped backstage to listen to the scene where a sermon is delivered. In the sermon the main character, Father Tim, tells everyone that he doesn’t really get it all either, but the lesson God wants him to share is- “In everything, give thanks.” Each night as I listened to that scene as if I was in church listening to a real sermon, I cried as I tried to take those words to heart, “In everything, give thanks.” Father Tim went on to say he wasn’t sure about a lot of things, but he would trust because God is God “and that’s good enough for me.” In all of my questioning I have to just say, “OK, I will keep on because I know You are God, You are in control, and that is good enough for me.”

So I will take a few days off to ponder where I am, what I am doing and what I should be doing. I will wonder if everything in my life is questionable or if I just keep moving forward, doing the best I can in this moment, not questioning so much. Accepting God as God and giving thanks in everything- even the things that make no sense.