Well, the past 3 weeks have certainly not been my finest hours! I have had to drop a class, something I vowed to never do, after seeing Jon drop so many. It was just too much all at once, so I made the decision to drop it. So far I have no regrets except for a little voice that keeps telling me I am a failure for doing it. I just keep telling the voice I had to protect my family time and my 3.96 GPA and slowly but surely the little voice is quieting down!
My auditions for the semester were a catastrophe and I did it to myself for the most part. I tried to second guess what I had prepared to do and it was a disaster. Lesson learned.
I met with all of my teachers and advisor and I felt like I said all of the wrong things. I can not get inspired about my music even though we have picked out some great songs. I think I can’t get inspired because we are still waiting for the department head to approve them. I am fearful of learning them and loving them and then him saying no to them. So I wait.
And now I find out I have to miss a lot of football games (and major family time) to go to workshops at school on the weekends. One is for auditions which I really don’t plan to do much of, that is not what I want this degree for. Two are for dance, not my most polished skill. I know they might help my dancing but for the most part I just feel like I go to them to once again show everyone how untalented, ungraceful and old I really am. I feel like a total loser every time I go to one of these things! Oh, and I also start thinking what might have been if I had done this at 18 like most of these kids are doing. And I get mad and resentful and I have to pull myself out of that!! So little good comes from these workshops. The ones I’ve mostly watched have been OK because there are some really talented kids I enjoy seeing perform, but the ones I have participated in have really done little but depress me!
Yes, I know I sound depressed and although I wouldn’t go that far, this semester has really started off on the wrong foot. Everyday I have tried to get back on track and everyday something makes me feel like I was an idiot to ever think I could do this. Oh, I can make good grades in classes, if this were just a usual degree I would be cruising along. Classes are fine. But all of the extra things associated with a fine arts degree is what has me down and is wearing me out. Even Jon has said he doesn’t know any of his friends at many different colleges who had to put in the kind of time I am having to. Even his Crimson/White duties weren’t as bad and he got paid for that!
I guess for now I will just put on a happy face and tell my family good bye for a while. I need to quit writing this now, I have to do our laundry, gather out trash, change the cat box, do homework and paint big A boards in the next 3 hours! I am smiling, I am smiling…….
