I have decided I am a hag! There are many meanings of that word, but I guess I mean the one where I am a mean, ugly, old woman. And I am not so sure if I am upset by that thought!
I have wanted to write so much the past few days, but I have restrained myself. In all honesty I did write a post about football, but after consideration I deleted it. Every time I have wanted to write, I have realized it would digress into a rant and I have reconsidered. I know it is only Wednesday, but I have been bothered by so many things this week already and by so many people that I have come to the conclusion it must be me, not them!
Some of the things that have irritated me are people not being professional, laziness, manipulation, and rudeness. Let’s take emails and texts for example. It only takes a moment to send one. When I get a text, my phone dings and even if it is silenced, I get a visual notification. If my phone is in my purse and I don’t see or hear the text, the next time I look at my phone there is a big symbol to let me know I missed a text. I have had an iphone and currently have a Samsung NOTE and they both had these features so I am pretty sure most, if not all phones, let you know if you have a text. Now, I will be the first to admit that I still occasionally miss one, or read it while I am in the middle of something and don’t answer right away. But that is rare. And if it is business, I answer asap. Just answer your texts and emails! Something you might not know about me is I hate talking on the phone! If I get a voice message, I will probably email or text you back to avoid a phone call. Not that I don’t like you, I don’t like the phone! (Not sure why- I guess I should explore those feelings sometime!) But I will respond in some way! Please do the same. And at some point the conversation will be over. Someone has to have the last word- it doesn’t always have to be you.
Another thing that has irritated me lately is the idea of making everything “easy”. Everything can’t be easy, nor should it be! Sometimes you should want to pull out the stops and fix a nice meal for someone, not “make it easy” by ordering out. Sometimes you should relish the idea of struggling to to make something as perfect as possible. Sometimes it should thrill you to be exhausted at the end of the day because you gave something your all. And theatre- well, theatre isn’t easy! When you sign on you need to know you will have to research, memorize things, and work to make it everything it can be. You will have to give up evenings at home and nights of sleep while you rehearse and pour over who your character is and how you will make them come to life. It won’t be “easy” but it will be worth it. Trying to make theatre “easy” cheats you and the audience out of the full experience. Trying to make anything too easy is not fair to yourself or others. Put some effort into your endeavors.
My next rant would be about people who back you in the corner and put you in impossible situations. The kind of situation where there is no right answer. Where any choice you make is wrong for someone. And I often feel the person doing this to you knows exactly what they are doing. Maybe I give them too much credit, maybe they just dumbly stumble into these intricate webs of manipulation- yeah, right! Just be fair, people.
My rant about football was about all of the negative attention the sport is getting now and all of the positives I see in it from the perspective of a mom who had a son play at the high school and college level. But after I wrote it, I decided that most of the story was my son’s to tell and since he is a better writer, I decided to leave it to him to tell in his own time and his own way. But know there are two sides to every story. Look for the other side.
Throughout the week I have had to think about my part in all of this. I have let things get to me too much. The lack of manners, the lack of professionalism, the lack of work ethic and the lack of feeling in others has made me lose some of the joy I find in the simple things in life. I have let it ruin experiences I had looked forward to. It has zapped me of my positive feelings about these experiences. And that makes me feel like a hag. It makes me feel badly on the one hand- I don’t want to let other people’s sloth and non caring attitudes pull me down to their level. On the other hand, I feel like I have to take a stand and let it be known I am not happy with the way I see things being done. As I expressed in a previous post, life is so much simpler when you don’t care so much. It would be easy to just be lazy and let others push you around. To do the minimum and just get by. To not put too much thought into things, not go the extra mile, accept the status quo. Something in me won’t let me do that. If only I could! Not think of how to make things better, more creative, more unusual. Not care what the end product is like, just do the least amount of work possible.
When I push for more, I am made to feel a hag. When I strive for excellence, I am a hag. When I expect professionalism and fairness and speak out when I don’t get it, I am a hag. I know all of the cliches- I only let others make me feel a certain way if I let them. That is true, to a point. When you get shunned or frowned at or snubbed, you can’t really help but feel you are not conforming to what the majority wants- mediocrity. Now conforming is certainly not something I strive for, but it is human nature to want to fit in and be rewarded when you work hard. I never expect to be chastised for doing my best and yet it happens. A bunch! So it must be me.
I am human. I am willing to admit I am very human and mess up a lot! I get catty when I am pushed. I have BRF (Bitchy Resting Face) so as I ponder things people think I am angry. I can be a real smart alec and I make snide remarks under my breath. I don’t love every one all of the time and I am not happy when my opponent wins. I push the limits when I am trying to get something done and I rush into things full force when I might should hang back and take my time. I see my faults and every morning I set out to do better. And every night I ask forgiveness because I failed. So I guess I am a hag. An old woman who makes mistakes and in the process makes some people mad. Sometimes I burn bridges and warm my hands on the flames. I own up to it!! And although I strive for better, sometimes I relish the thought of just being a hag.
